Beauty from Ashes (Part 2)

I wish I could say that this positive pregnancy test calmed all my fears, but no, they just morphed into a new, hormonally-charged worry. This time I felt much more pregnant than I had with the two we lost but we decided to do some hormone testing to be sure everything was looking okay. When my progesterone levels were headed in the wrong direction, we decided to supplement. I filled my progesterone prescription and began the supplements, preparing myself for about four weeks of this, since I could stop once my placenta had formed around 14 weeks. I was ten weeks along and my crazy hormonal anxiety was a daily struggle so we decided to have an ultrasound for some peace of mind. We celebrated as we heard a good strong heart beat but wondered why baby was much smaller than a normal ten week old baby in utero. Baby was only about eight weeks and four days old, based on measurements, but doing well. Long story short, we moved my due date a couple weeks later and praised the Lord that I had already started supplementing my progesterone when baby needed it most! While these were all good signs, I am ever the skeptic. I wavered back and forth between trusting God with whatever outcome He had planned for our family, and worrying that I couldn’t handle losing another baby. Every morning I would wake praying for the baby and every night I’d fall asleep praying for the baby. I tried to remind myself that the Lord alone sustains life and He wants me to pray for the desires of my heart. It was for this reason that we shared the news with a few people so they too could join us in praying. I prayed more consistently for one thing than I ever have: God, please preserve the life of this little one!

Three weeks passed and I needed to refill my progesterone prescription since the due date adjustment had thrown it off. I had slowly stopped regularly reminding myself about God’s trustworthiness and became increasingly fearful that I didn’t need this prescription refilled because baby was already gone. Sure, I had absolutely NO basis for the fear, but hormones! Not coincidentally, the week before my prescription was going to run out was the week that my husband was sermonizing (preparing to preach) for Sunday. During one particularly difficult day, I texted him asking for prayer and he responded that the passage he was studying said the phrase “fear not” three times. Lots of tears. How could I fear not when I had no guarantee of the outcome?? Oh, right, that’s kind of the whole point… Could I rest in perfect peace because I trust the God who wrote this story long before I was born? Did I believe He would be with me if we lost another baby? Did I believe He is still good if we had to say another premature goodbye? I called to schedule another ultrasound for the following Tuesday. When my husband preached that week, I had to fight hard to keep my shoulders still as I wept… IN CHURCH (gasp!)!! But I couldn’t hold it in. I knew God was telling ME not to fear. I could trust Him and His plans for me and this baby and I could make it to Tuesday before we got to actually see how baby was doing. This time the tears flowed when we heard that swishing, fast heart beat and watched our little peanut wiggle all over. We needed the refill! Baby was still alive and kicking and I was still an emotional mess of a hormonal pregnant mama.

After this ultrasound we decided it was time to tell the girls, which meant I needed to be ready for EVERYONE to know. But it would explain to our very observant Emma why mama’s belly seemed to be getting bigger (because let’s be real, baby #3 at nearly 12 weeks is hard to hide). These pictures are the girls’ reactions to the news (photo cred: Stephanie P).

All along I’d been convincing myself not to get my hopes up that we would have another biological child, but it was becoming harder and harder. I was starting to get excited. I was starting to think this might really happen. Talk about emotional roller coaster. My husband has dealt with so much of my up and down, back and forth, trust and fear, faithfully praying for me and our little one. He’s a keeper. In the weeks following this ultrasound, more people were made aware of our coming addition and were SO very excited. Honestly, I had a hard time dealing with the excitement of other people because all I could think every time someone beamed another “congratulations” at me was that it would be one more person who would have to deal with another loss, if that happened. Obviously this is connected to when we lost Josiah. Our whole church mourned and wept with us and came alongside us so well, but one of the biggest lessons I had to learn through that was to be willing to be the recipient of help and prayer and love. NOT my natural tendency. I’m a strong, smart, capable woman and I’VE GOT THIS. Psh. This time around I’ve been so hesitant to be excited that I think I’ve missed out on so much of the joy. I’m thankful that others have been excited from the day they found out, even if I was still fighting to believe it could really happen.

Once I made it to fourteen weeks and five days (the age Josiah was when he stopped growing), it felt like I was watching every second of the day tick by. My next midwife appointment wasn’t until I was sixteen weeks so I just had to wait and pray and hope and trust (like women have been doing for centuries!) that it would go well. I still had the image in my mind of the midwife searching for Josiah’s heartbeat on the Doppler when I was eighteen weeks along with him. She never found it and that was the start of me realizing that all the weird little things about his pregnancy were indicators that it wasn’t going well. This time the midwife searched briefly, found that heartbeat, and let me listen. To her, it was routine. To me, it was a miracle. This baby made it past Josiah’s age. This baby might actually live. I might start feeling this baby moving soon!

After this appointment, we could set up an ultrasound to find out the gender of our little one. Again, bad memories and difficult images were etched in my mind as we planned and went for this ultrasound. I’d been telling myself for months that I was probably having another girl because I probably can’t have boys. I’d even started telling my husband and others that I thought we were having another girl. I’d begun looking at baby girl names because we’ve had a whole list of boy names forever, but girl names always seemed hard for us to agree on. Imagine my shock when baby happily cooperated with the ultrasound technician and revealed a VERY different ultrasound than we’d previously seen! Before the tech revealed the gender both my husband and I looking at the ultrasound thought to ourselves “Wait a minute….. is that….. a…..?” BOY!!!!! Holy moly. That’s definitely a boy! We’re having another son!

I still can’t describe how I felt in that moment. Shocked? Amazed? Excited? All the emotions all at once? Alice and Emma both said they wanted a baby sister. They’d had Little Dude as their baby brother for 8 months now and were apparently ready for a change. Uh, sorry girls? We decided to buy some boy onesies for our July baby BOY and let the girls unwrap them to reveal his gender. I sort of expected Emma to say “NO!” and start wailing, but they were ridiculously sweet. They are SO excited to have a baby brother and just want him to hurry up and get here.

July is still four months away, so I don’t even know the end of this story yet! I feel like every day the Lord is challenging and convicting me and teaching me to relax and trust Him. The emotional roller coaster seems to be evening out (ish) and I’m feeling our little man wiggling around inside me every day. Sleep is getting harder as my body adjusts to this big belly, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. All these things mean my boy is growing. We will meet him soon and it will be hard, but so so worth it.

One of my fears has been that I would put a son in the place of God. After praying that God would give us a son, being afraid to even want a son and then finding out we were going to have a son, another Isaiah sermon brought Isaiah 43:6 to my attention: “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.” In context, this verse is God speaking to the people of Israel, but the Sunday that we read it in church it hit me: God loves ME. He really, truly loves ME and has gone to great lengths to show me that He loves ME. I’ve been a Christian since I was sixteen and I’ve “known” this a long time, but over the years came to believe more in a God who wanted to judge me for my sins (which are many). As a sinner who deserves nothing, God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and then conquered Satan, sin and death by rising from the grave three days later. I’ve told myself for years that I don’t deserve any good thing in my life, but I think I missed a very essential aspect of God’s character in the meantime. The God I serve loves me enough to bring me through losing two babies, hear my heart’s desire when I was afraid to utter it to Him, and grant me that desire at the moment I least expected it. He spent YEARS patiently orchestrating events to teach me that He loves me and wants to give good gifts to me, as His child. In the weeks following this sermon, the Lord has continued reminding me that He loves me and that He has given me what I need for today to trust Him and love those around me. I still don’t know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future and I know He is faithful and good and trustworthy and He hears and knows and loves me. What more have I to fear? He has been my salvation and I cannot wait for the day when I see Jesus face to face in heaven. Oh what a day that will be!

Beauty from Ashes (Part 1)

It’s hard to know where to begin writing about something that has been in process for years, but since I process better through writing, I finally decided to write this all out. My purpose isn’t to glorify myself or our circumstances, but to point others to the Lord. He has so patiently met me and taught me in my weakest moments and revealed to me more and more of His character in this process. There’s some pretty raw stuff in here as I've sought to be open, but please understand that I am not glorifying my sin, or seeking approval from others. I’ve been talking more and more with other women and new moms lately, sharing parts of this story at times, and have felt convinced that I should share how God has worked in my life and what He has patiently taught me so others can love and serve Him better and know they aren't alone in their struggles. For those who take the time to read this (as it will likely be quite long), I hope it encourages you to seek the Lord and never give up asking Him for the desires of your heart. I hope it challenges you to lean on Him each and every day, knowing He is good and he never leaves or forsakes His children. I hope it reminds you that He is worthy of ALL of your trust and that it is good to fight to believe He is trustworthy. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I hope this gets you thinking and wondering about the God I serve, the God of the Bible, Maker of Heaven and Earth and YOU and ME. He is not far off or distant and wants us to run to Him and know Him through His Word.

The story starts long before this, but I’ll begin with the birth of my first daughter: Alice. I had a very hard time bonding with her. I didn’t feel the immediate adoration that I’d heard of and thought I’d seen again and again in other moms. I felt lost, confused… pressure. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t just “fall in love” with my daughter. I figured something must be wrong with ME for feeling this way and was too scared and prideful to let anyone into my whirlwind of a world. I pushed my church family away because I felt ashamed that I didn’t simply “get” motherhood. I pushed my husband away because he didn’t know how to help. I pushed God away for “making” me go back to work full-time when I clearly needed to figure out what I was doing. It was a rough start to parenting.

By the time Alice’s first birthday rolled around, I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. We were excited. I was scared. It felt like Emma’s first year of life I was constantly asking myself “WHAT DID I DO?!?” While bonding with Emma came a bit easier, largely due to feeling less guilty since I was home with our two girls, it certainly wasn’t easy having her plugged into the wall for the first week of her life as her tiny body fought jaundice. Those lights (baby spatulas, as we came to call them) were incredibly frustrating and disheartening and I wondered if I could really do this whole thing again when I already felt like a failure of a mother. Clearly I lacked something really motherly-important because these two beautiful girls God had entrusted to me felt like more of an inconvenience or disruption than a blessing or gift from Him. I just wanted to sleep! I just wanted my body back! I just wanted some quiet! Once again, I pushed God away and tried to muster up all the motherliness I possibly could.

Not surprisingly, I became the kind of mom I never wanted to be: easily frustrated, unhappy and often losing my temper and yelling at little people who had expectations placed on them that were beyond unrealistic. So when I found out I was pregnant for the third time, just after Emma’s second birthday, I wasn’t excited at all. I dreaded “how I could do this” and prayed that God would somehow work out all the obstacles that I saw in our lives before we could have three children. He answered my prayer, but certainly not the way I’d hoped or expected. Josiah Nathanael, our first son, quietly slipped away and met Jesus face to face long before we said goodbye. I watched my husband process by reading God’s Word so often that I wondered if he was really actually “processing” the grief. But I realized that he didn’t know what else to do, just like me, so he clung to the Lord. Blissfully aware of my bias, I’m sure my husband is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, but he’s not God. It hit me that I’d been putting God-sized expectations on my husband, when that was clearly never his role. So, he led me by quiet example and I quietly followed. Those days and weeks were a blur of tears and guilt and hiding myself under the shadow of the wings of my Great Comforter. I became determined not to push God away after loss when I had pushed Him away after blessings. Since I had no clue what to do with this “determination,” I read and listened to God’s Word a whole stinking lot. I focused on the promises that He hadn’t left me, He comforts and He gives us a future hope. I memorized and frequently recited to myself a handful of bible passages and prayed earnestly for another son. I so badly wanted to see the kind of little boy we would have and watch the man I adore raise a son to be just like him. Yet I saw myself as the “weak link” in our family. My husband loved our girls so well, right from the start, and here I was, ruining them. I also began thinking more and more about foster care, though wasn’t fully convinced I could do it.

As the year drew to a close, we did begin to seriously pray about fostering and started an initial application, only to find out weeks later that I was pregnant again, which brought foster certification to a screeching halt. After losing Josiah and having never “felt” pregnant with him, I was very sensitive to the lack of pregnancy symptoms this time around. I never felt sure this baby would live and was less surprised when my intuition proved correct. Baby #4 never got a name from us and never grew past six weeks. While this loss was less unexpected for me, it was much harder in some ways. Not many knew of this loss, so I felt more compelled to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine. I became convinced that our second loss was also a boy and maybe I couldn’t have boys. Maybe there really was something more “wrong” with me than I thought and I needed to focus on thanking God for the healthy girls He already gave me and pursue becoming a foster mom. As we processed through our grief and attempted to help our girls do the same, we talked and prayed more and more about fostering. It seemed like the question that constantly entered my mind was “why SHOULDN’T we foster?” instead of my previous “why SHOULD we foster?” Up to this point I’d thought we needed to have a special draw towards it, or have always wanted to do it. As we prayed and waited, the Lord was patiently teaching me that I wasn’t the “weak link” because He had already made me new through Jesus. God had provided a three-bedroom condo for us to rent at a price well below market value (with my very own WASHER AND DRYER!) and provided a minivan for us. He had plans and they weren’t finished. He continued growing me in my relationships with my girls and even now keeps reminding me that He gives me what I need each day, each hour, each minute… if I just ASK!

We pursued foster certification even as I wrestled with feeling as though I had somehow failed my husband by not giving him a son. And then I would feel guilty like somehow my girls were a consolation prize. How awful. Meanwhile those two girls were (and still are!) growing into caring, considerate, fun-loving, beautiful young ladies. I can’t imagine our family without my best little “helpers.” Yet, I still wrestled back and forth between feeling a failure and the guilt but was too afraid to continue asking God to give us a son. I thought maybe I could have another daughter, but we just needed to be content and thankful without a son. In hindsight, I think I was too afraid to ask God for a son because I didn’t believe He could be THAT good or THAT loving. After all, I’d known plenty of women who had struggled with infertility and prayed for years (some are still praying) for healing and a child. Here I was with two healthy girls, struggling to love them well, and discontent with the blessings God had given me. I believed God loved me, but didn’t owe me a single answered prayer, least of all for a son I would likely ruin!

After the summer, our foster certification process really began and we accepted our first short-term placement of a sibling set in April. It was NOT pretty. I realized then that we weren’t in a place to foster a sibling set, so we changed our profile to singletons. Our second placement only lasted eight days, but our third placement began just a few hours after #2 was reunified with his parents. Little Dude came to us June 15, 2016, one month before his first birthday and weighing in at 27 pounds. He had the longest eyelashes I’d ever seen and was a pretty easy-going baby from the start. However, his easy-going temperament didn’t change the wrestling in my heart. I found myself resenting him for being born. How ridiculous I feel just writing that! He and I have gone up and down on this roller coaster of grief and foster care unknowns. There were days, sometimes weeks, when getting through a day with him felt only barely possible.

During this time we began studying the book of Isaiah at church. It felt like every week we were talking about trusting God and every week I would cry and beg God to help me truly trust Him: most especially for our family and the number of children we would have, biological or adopted. Little Dude and I would have some good days and some bad days, but we were getting used to each other. Part of God’s working through the Isaiah series was regarding my attempt to control the timing of another possible pregnancy. The Lord kept challenging me that He was the one in control all along, no matter what I did that made me feel like I had set my plans in motion. So we stopped preventing pregnancy. Having gotten pregnant four times before without any issues or delays, I anticipated a positive test the very next month. How little I had learned about Who was really in control! Several months went by and each month, with every new sermon in Isaiah, I cried and prayed that I would trust God in the waiting and remember that He alone is the Author and Sustainer of life. Isaiah 26:3 grabbed my heart during this time: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Oh, how I longed for that perfect peace! Yet here I was, anxious and wishing somehow I could just know what was ahead. Will I ever have another biological child? Will I be a failure of a wife that couldn’t have the four children we hoped and planned for?

Then October came. October has historically been a difficult month since I moved to California as I miss my formerly treasured autumns in New England, but now I mourn the loss of Josiah and his little brother or sister because they weren’t born that month. Coupled with the Isaiah series and a handful of other (perfectly orchestrated) events, I was so glad to finally enter November and put the emotional mess behind me. But that’s when we saw the positive test!

To Our Son on May 20, 2014

Dear Josiah Nathanael,

Today is the last day I will have your tiny, three-inch body inside mine. You have probably been in heaven for over a month, without any pain or tears. We miss you already and are sad to have so few memories with you, but praise the Lord that He has rescued you from this world. You are healed and we so look forward to meeting you when the Lord calls us home as well.

I decided, though, that I needed to tell you how God is using you so mightily in my life. On Feb. 15, 2014, I took an at-home pregnancy test which, to my shock and dismay, told me your little life had begun. I was scared and didn't feel ready for another baby, but mostly caught up in what we lacked materially: insurance, a car that could fit three car seats... and I didn't want to be pregnant for my sister's (your Aunt Lisa's) wedding on April 5, or during the hottest part of summer. So I missed out on treasuring some of my time with you because of my own selfishness and fear and lack of trust. My first trimester with you was much unlike my pregnancies with Alice and Emma because I hardly felt sick at all. I felt very hungry though! I also thought you were a boy from very early on and began dreaming about seeing your daddy, Andrew (though some call him "Happy") with his first son.

Sure enough, the ultrasound on April 18 confirmed that belief: God had given us a son! I will never forget the look on your proud daddy's face as he took my hand and squeezed, as if to say, "I just can't wait to meet my son!!" But you didn't move during that ultrasound. They said you had a heartbeat, but we never heard it. You probably left your body not long after that. I had a nagging doubt in me after that ultrasound and thought I wasn't growing as I should be. I didn't want to believe we could lose you so soon, but God had other plans. As I dreamed and imagined welcoming a little boy in October, you were already rejoicing in heaven.

On the fourth birthday of your big sister, Alice, I started spotting. It was Tuesday and my next appointment with the midwife was Thursday so I waited and rested and prayed that we would hear your little heart beating. We didn't hear you on the Doppler and couldn't get an ultrasound until the next day at 4 pm. The midwife said my uterus was small and that she thought you were already gone. Friday's ultrasound confirmed that you only grew to about 13 or 14 weeks and then left your little body for a much more wonderful home. Because it was already late in the day, we weren't able to meet with the doctor or schedule any procedure to take you out of me. At first I was impatient, asking God why so much delay? But on my last day with your tiny shell I've come to see that our great God never makes mistakes. He knew the number of your days. He knew the pain we would feel at losing you. He knew and He knows now what lies ahead.

We will never forget you, our precious, healed, gift from God! We will always love you, yet our love is only a pin prick compared to the love of the God who made you and welcomed you into heaven. He has not left us alone, but has been our ever-present help in this time of need. His mercies have been new every morning and we have known His great faithfulness. He has given us hope and reminded us that each day with the ones we love is to be cherished. But how much better it would be to join you in heaven with Jesus! I love you, little man!                                         ~Mama (Amy)

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."                                                      ~Psalm 34:1-4, 8, 18

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! For you, O God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name."                                              ~Psalm 61:1-5

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."                                                                                       ~Job 1:21

T minus 1....... ish

Alice is in bed. Andrew is at a meeting. Amy is home. Emma is too--inside her mommy.

Today at church was a bittersweet day as we sent off to the mission field a young woman who has attended Village since she was born. Obviously I haven't known her that long since I grew up 3,000 miles away, but since moving to Orange County and becoming a part of this church I have been so blessed by her friendship. I can't imagine how hard it must be to leave, yet how exciting to know that the Lord has prepared her for this purpose. Having grown in the Lord alongside her for the past several years has been such an encouragement that it will be hard not seeing her regularly. But I count it a privilege to be able to pray for her as she goes. Part of those prayers I hope will include keeping each other updated on how the Lord is at work in each of our lives, no matter how many thousands of miles apart we are. Ironically, she leaves tomorrow, which is my due date. So we've been "counting down" to the same day for different reasons for quite a while. I'm sad that Emma didn't make it for her departure, but am so thankful for technology that allows us to send pictures & emails and even SEE each other "live" on Skype. Can't wait to hear how the Lord uses her!

Before I lose it completely, a quick update. Tomorrow morning we have another appointment and I'm praying there will be some progress. Friday night I was up from about 2-3AM with regular contractions (about 6-7 minutes apart). Around 3AM I decided to type out instructions for anyone taking over the "Alice Routine." I wasn't keeping track of the contractions at that point, but by Saturday morning they'd basically stopped. Unfortunately I didn't actually fall back asleep until around 5:30 or 6AM. Bummer. Last night I slept better though. Tonight I hope to do the same. Unless Emma has other plans. I wouldn't mind. As if there were any doubts.

Pregnant

Yup. Still. I'm dilated 1 cm, but no signs of labor starting any time soon. Today I finally got to some of our (overdue) laundry and hiked up and down the stairs about a half dozen times carrying stuff. I know I can't make labor start, but I'm certainly not opposed to trying to help it along!

On Sunday Andrew preached on Mark 11:20-25 "As they passed by in the morning, they saw the fig tree withered away to its roots. And Peter remembered and said to him, 'Rabbi, look! The fig tree that you cursed has withered.' And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be taken up and thrown into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.'” It was really challenging. I cried. I was humbled by Andrew's heart as he preached and reminded again how blessed I am to be married to a man who loves the Lord and His Word. If you'd like to hear his message, check it out here.

Alice is waking up from her 2.5 hour nap... "DA DA DA DA DA DA DA.......BUH BYE! BUH BYE!" She's been doing so well lately. It feels a little like the calm before the storm. An Alice Christmas video is in process, though it's long and is taking quite a while to upload.... 29% complete with approximately 184 minutes remaining. Yikes. I'll be sure to post when it's ready. Off to get the girl.

Still There?

 Just checking... I haven't been able to see them from this angle for quite a while so it seemed appropriate to take a picture to make sure. Yes, I'm still pregnant. No, there have been no signs of labor starting. At our doctor appointment on Tuesday we didn't actually get to see the doctor because he had to go deliver a baby. So, I will know if there is progress at our next appointment on Monday. Emma's heart beat still sounds great. That's the only update.

Alice is napping and I'm tempted to do the same. I think my stuffy nose for the past few days has been allergies since my allergy medicine seems to help. Perhaps the warmer weather just threw my nose for a loop. Seriously, it's supposed to get to 85 degrees today! I think it was cooler during the May when Alice was born than it has been this January so far.

Uh... Now Alice is crying........ She's been asleep for 35 minutes. This is not okay.

Thrift Stores

For those who don't know, I LOVE thrift stores. I especially appreciate ones that are well organized and know that they are thrift stores (i.e. CHEAP). This morning we went to my FAVORITE thrift store because as a club member I received 50% off all clothing, shoes & accessories. Woot. I'm totally there. We got a ridiculous amount of clothing for the girls (mainly Alice) and a few things for Andrew & me. I feel much more ready for "winter" in southern California and am thankful that I no longer will need to wash Alice's clothes every few days to keep her in long sleeves :-)

Today marks 36 weeks of pregnancy, which means only four more weeks until my due date. For a good couple weeks I was convinced that Emma was going to come early. I'm not so sure anymore. I think it was just wishful thinking since I'm starting to get more and more uncomfortable. We shall see if there are any changes to report from the next doctor appointment this Friday. It will determine our Christmas whereabouts.

This particular Monday also happens to be the first of SIX Mondays where Andrew will have the day off work AND school. Of course our thrift store morning was something that wouldn't have happened without him. I love having my husband home and less stressed with a break from school. We are so blessed!

Quiet Moment

At our doctor appointment yesterday we learned that Emma is head-down! I'm very thankful for that as I'm not good at determining what lump on my stomach is which body part of hers. But she's creating a LOT of pressure and lower back pain that comes and goes.

Alice is having a rough morning and is now in playpen time--apparently the ONLY thing that's okay at the moment. She's already gotten one molar and the second one is either just poking through or about to. It appears the behavior (crying, inconsolable maniac) may be connected with incoming teeth. I've also had some pressure in my sinuses the last two days that's causing headaches and throbbing. I'm sure you can imagine how that feels with a screaming 19 month old to add to it. Please pray!

Less than half of the month until Christmas... :-D

To Do

This morning Andrew pulled out the advent calendar ornament which begins the second third of the month. Just 16 days until Christmas!

It's also (according to the countdown <----) 38 days until my due date. THAT seems very soon. I think Emma "dropped" on Saturday. I won't go into detail, but I can breathe easier and haven't had any heartburn since then. She's still moving a lot, but does seem to have slowed down a tad. I'm pretty sure I look smaller than I did with Alice, but I'm not sure. I've gained right around 20 lbs, though having the flu certainly influenced that. I feel like there are still so many things to do before Emma arrives, so I'm going to make a list. I like lists :-)

To Do:
-Take hospital tour (planned for Monday, Dec. 19)
-Get a few more baby items
-Make list of who to notify of Emma's coming
-Figure out what to do with Alice when Emma comes
-Make & freeze some meals
-Pack for hospital
-Install baby car seat & move Alice's car seat

Okay... that doesn't seem as overwhelming as I was making it in my mind. And now Alice is awake. Today was a good nap day. This week has been good nap, bad nap, good nap, bad nap, good nap. At least she's sort of "consistent." Happy Friday!

Small Miracles

At this very moment a miracle is happening in our apartment. The first miracle happened about two hours ago when Alice pointed to her crib after a short 5 minutes of rocking/singing with mommy, indicating that she wanted to lie down in there. Whoa. I put her down, she was awake. As I listened to her over the monitor, she settled herself and fell asleep after less than 10 minutes. Yes, that was miracle number one.

Miracle number two is still in process. She's... still... asleep... TWO HOURS LATER!!! After three and a half weeks of bad naps I am SO thankful for this one day. I don't know how long she'll sleep. I don't know if she'll do this again tomorrow. I don't know if this is a result of bad naps on Saturday and Sunday. Frankly, I could care less what caused this excellent nap. I still haven't heard a peep from her. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

We also had another doctor appointment this morning and little Emma's heartbeat sounded good and strong. She kicked the machine several times, but everything is right on track. Alice really doesn't like it when mommy lays down on the table so we can hear Emma. She sat next to me on the table today and it helped a little. Funny girl. I asked about making a Christmas (driving) trip and the doctor said he'd give us the okay as it gets closer, but I'll probably be fine.

Speaking of Alice... She just started making noises. Wow. That was just over two hours. She's not crying, but making happy noises. YAY!! Miracle number three.

Here are some updated pictures for those of you who haven't seen them on Facebook. And of course, a really excellent family picture. Because every woman who is decently pregnant around Halloween should have a jack-o-lantern shirt and carve a pumpkin to match.

Trimester the Third

I realized last week that I'm in the third trimester already. Whoa. Feels like the Emma pregnancy has gone MUCH faster than the Alice pregnancy. Monday will be 30 weeks, which then (in my mind) begins the count down, as opposed to the count up, of pregnancy. Single digit weeks until she arrives. Whoa.

For those interested, Alice is still fighting her naps. For several days now I've had to hold her and rock/sing until she falls asleep and then transfer her to the crib. Today I put her in while still awake and she fell asleep in about 10 minutes. It was a small victory. It felt even smaller when she woke up after only an hour and 10 minutes. Sigh. Yes, she's awake right now. No, I'm not getting her yet...

She's been making more attempts at words and will grunt the number of syllables in a word that I try getting her to say. It's pretty funny. She's got "up" and "bye" for sure. Although "bye" sounds like the same sound a sheep makes: "buh." Hey, we'll take it! It also appears that she's about to get some teeth. I realize I said that recently, but they still haven't shown up. Her gums look sore in spots and she REALLY doesn't like me sticking her toothbrush in there. I'm really hoping that the teeth will come and she'll go back to normal (as in at least 2 hour) napping. I've heard of some kids who stop napping at a young age (some as young as 6 months??) and I'm praying Alice isn't one of them. Sure, I could still attempt "quiet time," except I'd have to supervise in order for it to actually be quiet and it still probably wouldn't be that quiet. Alice isn't exactly a quiet child. Shocker if you know her daddy. I'm listening to her squeal over the monitor as I write this.

Okay, the maybe-she'll-fall-back-asleep hope has been completely crushed. Off to get the girl.

Where Did the Nap Go?

Seems like I'm getting bigger by the second. Okay, that's probably an exaggeration. At our last doctor appointment (Monday) I was measuring right on the money: 27 weeks. I really don't remember when I started to measure bigger for Alice, but I'm thankful that Emma seems to be sticking to the charts so far. She still could become a moose baby... Our next appointment is in three weeks and then we'll start the every two week visits. Whoa. I can't believe we're already this close to her arrival. Actually, it really hit me the other day that we're having another baby. We're going to have two babies under age two.

Alice seems to be making steps toward potty training, though it's a bit hard determining whether she's pointing at her diaper because she has to pee, she just went pee, she has to toot, she has to poop... or some other reason that I've yet to figure out. If Alice had her way, she'd get a diaper change about 15 times a day, even if the diaper had next to nothing in it. She'll point and grunt at her changing pad and then her diaper and pat the changing pad and grunt. So funny. We're currently working on getting her to use words. Most of the time she just points or grunts or says animal sounds, though she definitely has "ma-ma", "duck" (duh), "tug-tug" (from a book), and "hot." She gave up on "da-da" and "da-dee" which she used to say exclusively. The last two days when I ask her to say "da-da" she says "na-na." Not really sure where that came from, but she does seem to be associating "na-na" with her daddy.

She also hasn't been napping real well for about a week now. The longest nap she's taken has been about 1 1/2 hours when it used to be up to 3 1/2 hours. Bummer for me, but I think she's getting more teeth. She's got all 8 in the front so now I'm expecting molars or canines... right? Something like that. I'm just hoping that these short naps are not indicative of a new habit. We shall see.

Alright, I've got lots to do before she wakes up from her probably too-short nap. Dude. She just started making noises after I finished typing that line. It's been 45 minutes. Seriously. Done. With. Lame. Naps. Off to dishes. Oh, and here's Alice playing with some friends in the nursery at church and at the birthday party of one of those girls.

Half Way There

Today marks twenty weeks of pregnancy, or five months, which means twenty-ish more weeks and (Lord-willing) little Emma will be here! In celebration, and for those who keep asking for it, here's a picture of me at twenty weeks.

Just because I'm cool, here are twenty differences and similarities between this pregnancy and the first (probably not to be read by the faint of heart... or the faint of stomach):
1. Alice & Emma - both girls.
2. Alice made me throw up three times. Emma only made me dry heave once.
3. With Alice I gained weight fairly steadily from the start. With Emma, I still haven't gained much.
4. With Alice, I was hungry ALL the time once I hit the second trimester mark. With Emma... not so much, but food is finally starting to sound good again... some times.
5. Alice was super active starting at 15 weeks, which is about the earliest the mom can start to "feel" baby move. Emma waited until last week to remind her mommy that she's in there.
6. Once Alice started moving it took her daddy a long time to feel her move. Last night Emma kicked her daddy's hand after only a few seconds.
7. With Alice I wanted to eat fruit, vegetables and bagel bites ALL the time. With Emma I want to eat doughnuts all the time. Alice often got that which she desired. Emma has not been satisfied much at all.
8. With Alice I could NOT handle being near, let alone touching, raw meat of any kind. With Emma it hasn't been much of a problem.
9. With Alice I worked full-time until I went into labor. With Emma I'll work full-time until I go into labor, but won't get paid for it :-)
10. Both Alice & Emma have managed to suck all the iron from my body at an early point in pregnancy, putting me on iron supplements. Really fun.
11. With Alice I didn't exercise much until the end of the second trimester. With Emma, going on walks (before the heat wave) has been a regular occurrence.
12. With Alice I'm sure I had some "nesting" symptoms at some point, but with Emma it's been nearly constant. I'm a cleaning and organizing maniac.
13. With Alice there was a good amount of fear (of the unknown, of going back to work, etc.) that sort of overshadowed the excitement at times. With Emma I've been pretty excited (after the initial shock) to have another little one.
14. I thought Alice was a girl from day one and was right. I thought Emma was a boy from day one and was (apparently) wrong.
15. With Alice we didn't want to find out the gender, but changed our minds. With Emma we did want to find out. Actually, I think my wonderful husband would have agreed with whatever I wanted to do.
16. With Alice her name was kept a secret (with very few exceptions) until she was born. With Emma... well, duh. Obviously we've already shared her name.
17. With Alice we weren't completely sure of the name until a few weeks before she came. With Emma we don't have a middle name yet... Still have time...
18. With both Alice & Emma, the quest to find a girl name was made more purposeful after the gender was confirmed. We already have two boy names. It would be funny/ironic if the Lord gave us all girls!
19. With Alice I didn't have a preference of girl or boy. With Emma, I really wanted a girl, but was excited when we thought she was a boy. Then was MORE excited when we found out our doctor was wrong!
20. Thankfully, with both girls I didn't have any problems getting pregnant. With Emma we found that I can, apparently, get pregnant VERY easily!

Okay, that turned out to be a lot longer than I expected. So, if you read that whole thing, your reward is a really cute picture of Alice. And if you didn't read that whole thing, you can still enjoy this really cute picture of Alice.

Back to School... Part-time!

Andrew/Happy is back in school, hence the new background. He started classes on Wednesday and is taking Educational Ministry in the Church and Hebrew. Two classes, as opposed to his full-time load of at least three. Then again, Hebrew is a three unit class that really should count as four since he's in class four hours each week, and the other class is another three unit class. He's going to have plenty to keep him busy. Please pray for good time management and perseverance! We're looking towards a Spring 2013 graduation date, Lord-willing.

We had our big ultrasound on Monday and everything is looking great. The only real news to report is that Caleb is actually Emma! Turns out our doctor was a little ambitious when I was 12 weeks (that's VERY early) in predicting a boy. Although I did think I was having a boy, I had a weird dream less than a week before the ultrasound that "Caleb" came early and was a girl. Very strange. In my dream I panicked because we didn't have a middle name. We still don't have a middle name, but have a few ideas. We'd like to have some kind of biblical significance in the first or middle (or both) name of each of our children... So if you're dying to pass on a suggestion, that might help guide you. We've had a handful of people suggest Emma Rose. Apparently that sounds good to lots of people.

Another SUPER exciting thing... I went to a free couponing class last night hosted by the OC Register and am really excited to get started. Just need the coupons now... I was pretty hyped up about it last night and my poor (and wonderful) husband had to listen to me go on and on about how much money we can save and the different methods. I'm such a nerd.

Alice is finally ready to be done with her nap, though she's been awake and playing for 40 minutes! Love that girl. Some day I'll get better at posting pictures. First I have to take them. Turns out Alice is just about as photogenic as her Grandpa Gilmore. Anyone who knows him will understand what that means, but if you don't... I'll just say, Alice doesn't quite yet know how to smile at a camera and keep her eyes open! Have a lovely weekend!

The Nursery (Take 2)

As I was going through Caleb's clothing (well, really it's Alice's gender neutral clothing that she's handing down to her brother) again today, it occurred to me that I don't remember this eager anticipation feeling with Alice. Perhaps there was more fear of the unknown with her arrival... maybe with the overshadowing of going back to work after maternity leave... not to mention nursing for the first time... Anyway, I've had some MAJOR nesting "symptoms," if that's what you call it. The latest was the purchase of a glider with matching ottoman from craigslist. I decided it would be good to have since I had been standing and rocking Alice to bed at night. As she is now around 25lbs and my belly is getting more and more prominent (had a stranger ask me today if I was expecting #2), holding her like that is HARD. Sitting and rocking with her is easier.

All that to say, we made the purchase on Saturday and I spent the rest of the day moving around and redecorating Alice's/soon-to-be also Caleb's room. I'm such a dork. I was most proud of myself for not purchasing anything new (aside from the obvious chair & ottoman) in my redecorating. Not to mention, the blanket my mom knit for Alice (which I LOVE) is now out in plain view, along with the beautiful quilt made by a very talented lady in my church (which I also LOVE). I then spent much of Monday sorting all of Alice's baby clothes and reorganizing her closet. The nursery is ready. Now I just need another baby to add to it!

August Already??

This month has FLOWN by! After the camping trip with church and our vacation, we came back to a wedding, a prayer meeting, a graduation party, Vacation Bible school, high school camp for Happy & an almost camping trip for Alice, Grandma Gilmore & me. Crazy month!

Vacation Bible School (VBS) was the week of July 18-22 from 9-11:30AM. I helped with crafts and had SO much fun. This was the first time I've been able to be any part of VBS at our church and I definitely want to help next year! I was amazed at how many kids and workers came out for it and even more amazed at seeing the Lord's hand in it all.

Right now Happy, 2 other counselors and 26 students are headed back from Wildwood (at Hume Lake). I was able to spend part of the week up there and see some of the students... and of course my hubby :-) I had planned on camping but when another youth pastor's wife found out that Happy's pregnant wife was coming up to camp with a one year old and mom-in-law to help she thought I was insane and offered for us to stay in their cabin in the loft area where there were two extra beds and a bathroom (with shower) they weren't using. Such a blessing! Needless to say, we were glad to change our plans and have easy access to a shower! Plus, Alice made two new friends with the 3 1/2 yr old son and 17 month old daughter of the other youth pastor's wife. I was encouraged to talk to another young wife of a youth pastor & mom of two and hear how ministry happens at another church. I had my plans for the week but God had better ones!

So, it's true, if you haven't heard yet. We are expecting baby #2 in mid-January. Not entirely sure if the due date (Jan. 16) is accurate, but we're going with it. We already found out (very early) that it's a boy, so we're all looking forward to meeting little Caleb Michael in the next 6 months or so. Well, at least Happy & I are looking forward to meeting him. I'm sure Alice will warm up to her little brother eventually. I am hoping I don't get as HUGE as I did with Alice, but am assuming that another moose baby is headed our way. Around 8-9 months of pregnancy I just look like I've got a beach ball under my shirt... not a basketball, a beach ball. They're bigger... MUCH bigger. People ask me if I'm having twins, if I'm about to burst, can I still shave my legs... all sorts of exciting questions. Alice was 8 lbs 14 oz. Maybe Caleb will be nice to his mommy and stay under 9 lbs as well.......... Is it wrong to pray that he stays under 9 lbs?

Okay, last thing before getting Alice up from her nap. My wonderful husband will be 27 years old on Tuesday. Even though he points out almost every year that I am older than him, I still love him and am looking forward to celebrating with him!! Don't forget to wish him a happy birthday!!!

Alice Mary Gilmore

She's here! At 8:08am, Alice Mary Gilmore was born. She weighed 8' 14" and was 20.5 inches long. She's with mommy now and trying to get adjusted to this world of air and lights!

We're very happy and so is Grandma Godwin!

Praise be to God for his unfailing love, faithfulness, and goodness.

Psalm 127:3-5 - Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

Morning Update

Amy decided to get an epidural last night and received around midnight. She's now (7:28am) been pushing for an hour!

Facebook . . . or not!

For some reason I can't get Facebook in the hospital. I imagine some bored employees were caught messing around on Facebook, so it's probably blocked. Oh well.

Hiccups

We're listening to the baby's hiccups on the heartbeat monitor right now!