Beauty from Ashes (Part 2)

I wish I could say that this positive pregnancy test calmed all my fears, but no, they just morphed into a new, hormonally-charged worry. This time I felt much more pregnant than I had with the two we lost but we decided to do some hormone testing to be sure everything was looking okay. When my progesterone levels were headed in the wrong direction, we decided to supplement. I filled my progesterone prescription and began the supplements, preparing myself for about four weeks of this, since I could stop once my placenta had formed around 14 weeks. I was ten weeks along and my crazy hormonal anxiety was a daily struggle so we decided to have an ultrasound for some peace of mind. We celebrated as we heard a good strong heart beat but wondered why baby was much smaller than a normal ten week old baby in utero. Baby was only about eight weeks and four days old, based on measurements, but doing well. Long story short, we moved my due date a couple weeks later and praised the Lord that I had already started supplementing my progesterone when baby needed it most! While these were all good signs, I am ever the skeptic. I wavered back and forth between trusting God with whatever outcome He had planned for our family, and worrying that I couldn’t handle losing another baby. Every morning I would wake praying for the baby and every night I’d fall asleep praying for the baby. I tried to remind myself that the Lord alone sustains life and He wants me to pray for the desires of my heart. It was for this reason that we shared the news with a few people so they too could join us in praying. I prayed more consistently for one thing than I ever have: God, please preserve the life of this little one!

Three weeks passed and I needed to refill my progesterone prescription since the due date adjustment had thrown it off. I had slowly stopped regularly reminding myself about God’s trustworthiness and became increasingly fearful that I didn’t need this prescription refilled because baby was already gone. Sure, I had absolutely NO basis for the fear, but hormones! Not coincidentally, the week before my prescription was going to run out was the week that my husband was sermonizing (preparing to preach) for Sunday. During one particularly difficult day, I texted him asking for prayer and he responded that the passage he was studying said the phrase “fear not” three times. Lots of tears. How could I fear not when I had no guarantee of the outcome?? Oh, right, that’s kind of the whole point… Could I rest in perfect peace because I trust the God who wrote this story long before I was born? Did I believe He would be with me if we lost another baby? Did I believe He is still good if we had to say another premature goodbye? I called to schedule another ultrasound for the following Tuesday. When my husband preached that week, I had to fight hard to keep my shoulders still as I wept… IN CHURCH (gasp!)!! But I couldn’t hold it in. I knew God was telling ME not to fear. I could trust Him and His plans for me and this baby and I could make it to Tuesday before we got to actually see how baby was doing. This time the tears flowed when we heard that swishing, fast heart beat and watched our little peanut wiggle all over. We needed the refill! Baby was still alive and kicking and I was still an emotional mess of a hormonal pregnant mama.

After this ultrasound we decided it was time to tell the girls, which meant I needed to be ready for EVERYONE to know. But it would explain to our very observant Emma why mama’s belly seemed to be getting bigger (because let’s be real, baby #3 at nearly 12 weeks is hard to hide). These pictures are the girls’ reactions to the news (photo cred: Stephanie P).

All along I’d been convincing myself not to get my hopes up that we would have another biological child, but it was becoming harder and harder. I was starting to get excited. I was starting to think this might really happen. Talk about emotional roller coaster. My husband has dealt with so much of my up and down, back and forth, trust and fear, faithfully praying for me and our little one. He’s a keeper. In the weeks following this ultrasound, more people were made aware of our coming addition and were SO very excited. Honestly, I had a hard time dealing with the excitement of other people because all I could think every time someone beamed another “congratulations” at me was that it would be one more person who would have to deal with another loss, if that happened. Obviously this is connected to when we lost Josiah. Our whole church mourned and wept with us and came alongside us so well, but one of the biggest lessons I had to learn through that was to be willing to be the recipient of help and prayer and love. NOT my natural tendency. I’m a strong, smart, capable woman and I’VE GOT THIS. Psh. This time around I’ve been so hesitant to be excited that I think I’ve missed out on so much of the joy. I’m thankful that others have been excited from the day they found out, even if I was still fighting to believe it could really happen.

Once I made it to fourteen weeks and five days (the age Josiah was when he stopped growing), it felt like I was watching every second of the day tick by. My next midwife appointment wasn’t until I was sixteen weeks so I just had to wait and pray and hope and trust (like women have been doing for centuries!) that it would go well. I still had the image in my mind of the midwife searching for Josiah’s heartbeat on the Doppler when I was eighteen weeks along with him. She never found it and that was the start of me realizing that all the weird little things about his pregnancy were indicators that it wasn’t going well. This time the midwife searched briefly, found that heartbeat, and let me listen. To her, it was routine. To me, it was a miracle. This baby made it past Josiah’s age. This baby might actually live. I might start feeling this baby moving soon!

After this appointment, we could set up an ultrasound to find out the gender of our little one. Again, bad memories and difficult images were etched in my mind as we planned and went for this ultrasound. I’d been telling myself for months that I was probably having another girl because I probably can’t have boys. I’d even started telling my husband and others that I thought we were having another girl. I’d begun looking at baby girl names because we’ve had a whole list of boy names forever, but girl names always seemed hard for us to agree on. Imagine my shock when baby happily cooperated with the ultrasound technician and revealed a VERY different ultrasound than we’d previously seen! Before the tech revealed the gender both my husband and I looking at the ultrasound thought to ourselves “Wait a minute….. is that….. a…..?” BOY!!!!! Holy moly. That’s definitely a boy! We’re having another son!

I still can’t describe how I felt in that moment. Shocked? Amazed? Excited? All the emotions all at once? Alice and Emma both said they wanted a baby sister. They’d had Little Dude as their baby brother for 8 months now and were apparently ready for a change. Uh, sorry girls? We decided to buy some boy onesies for our July baby BOY and let the girls unwrap them to reveal his gender. I sort of expected Emma to say “NO!” and start wailing, but they were ridiculously sweet. They are SO excited to have a baby brother and just want him to hurry up and get here.

July is still four months away, so I don’t even know the end of this story yet! I feel like every day the Lord is challenging and convicting me and teaching me to relax and trust Him. The emotional roller coaster seems to be evening out (ish) and I’m feeling our little man wiggling around inside me every day. Sleep is getting harder as my body adjusts to this big belly, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. All these things mean my boy is growing. We will meet him soon and it will be hard, but so so worth it.

One of my fears has been that I would put a son in the place of God. After praying that God would give us a son, being afraid to even want a son and then finding out we were going to have a son, another Isaiah sermon brought Isaiah 43:6 to my attention: “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.” In context, this verse is God speaking to the people of Israel, but the Sunday that we read it in church it hit me: God loves ME. He really, truly loves ME and has gone to great lengths to show me that He loves ME. I’ve been a Christian since I was sixteen and I’ve “known” this a long time, but over the years came to believe more in a God who wanted to judge me for my sins (which are many). As a sinner who deserves nothing, God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and then conquered Satan, sin and death by rising from the grave three days later. I’ve told myself for years that I don’t deserve any good thing in my life, but I think I missed a very essential aspect of God’s character in the meantime. The God I serve loves me enough to bring me through losing two babies, hear my heart’s desire when I was afraid to utter it to Him, and grant me that desire at the moment I least expected it. He spent YEARS patiently orchestrating events to teach me that He loves me and wants to give good gifts to me, as His child. In the weeks following this sermon, the Lord has continued reminding me that He loves me and that He has given me what I need for today to trust Him and love those around me. I still don’t know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future and I know He is faithful and good and trustworthy and He hears and knows and loves me. What more have I to fear? He has been my salvation and I cannot wait for the day when I see Jesus face to face in heaven. Oh what a day that will be!

Beauty from Ashes (Part 1)

It’s hard to know where to begin writing about something that has been in process for years, but since I process better through writing, I finally decided to write this all out. My purpose isn’t to glorify myself or our circumstances, but to point others to the Lord. He has so patiently met me and taught me in my weakest moments and revealed to me more and more of His character in this process. There’s some pretty raw stuff in here as I've sought to be open, but please understand that I am not glorifying my sin, or seeking approval from others. I’ve been talking more and more with other women and new moms lately, sharing parts of this story at times, and have felt convinced that I should share how God has worked in my life and what He has patiently taught me so others can love and serve Him better and know they aren't alone in their struggles. For those who take the time to read this (as it will likely be quite long), I hope it encourages you to seek the Lord and never give up asking Him for the desires of your heart. I hope it challenges you to lean on Him each and every day, knowing He is good and he never leaves or forsakes His children. I hope it reminds you that He is worthy of ALL of your trust and that it is good to fight to believe He is trustworthy. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I hope this gets you thinking and wondering about the God I serve, the God of the Bible, Maker of Heaven and Earth and YOU and ME. He is not far off or distant and wants us to run to Him and know Him through His Word.

The story starts long before this, but I’ll begin with the birth of my first daughter: Alice. I had a very hard time bonding with her. I didn’t feel the immediate adoration that I’d heard of and thought I’d seen again and again in other moms. I felt lost, confused… pressure. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t just “fall in love” with my daughter. I figured something must be wrong with ME for feeling this way and was too scared and prideful to let anyone into my whirlwind of a world. I pushed my church family away because I felt ashamed that I didn’t simply “get” motherhood. I pushed my husband away because he didn’t know how to help. I pushed God away for “making” me go back to work full-time when I clearly needed to figure out what I was doing. It was a rough start to parenting.

By the time Alice’s first birthday rolled around, I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. We were excited. I was scared. It felt like Emma’s first year of life I was constantly asking myself “WHAT DID I DO?!?” While bonding with Emma came a bit easier, largely due to feeling less guilty since I was home with our two girls, it certainly wasn’t easy having her plugged into the wall for the first week of her life as her tiny body fought jaundice. Those lights (baby spatulas, as we came to call them) were incredibly frustrating and disheartening and I wondered if I could really do this whole thing again when I already felt like a failure of a mother. Clearly I lacked something really motherly-important because these two beautiful girls God had entrusted to me felt like more of an inconvenience or disruption than a blessing or gift from Him. I just wanted to sleep! I just wanted my body back! I just wanted some quiet! Once again, I pushed God away and tried to muster up all the motherliness I possibly could.

Not surprisingly, I became the kind of mom I never wanted to be: easily frustrated, unhappy and often losing my temper and yelling at little people who had expectations placed on them that were beyond unrealistic. So when I found out I was pregnant for the third time, just after Emma’s second birthday, I wasn’t excited at all. I dreaded “how I could do this” and prayed that God would somehow work out all the obstacles that I saw in our lives before we could have three children. He answered my prayer, but certainly not the way I’d hoped or expected. Josiah Nathanael, our first son, quietly slipped away and met Jesus face to face long before we said goodbye. I watched my husband process by reading God’s Word so often that I wondered if he was really actually “processing” the grief. But I realized that he didn’t know what else to do, just like me, so he clung to the Lord. Blissfully aware of my bias, I’m sure my husband is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, but he’s not God. It hit me that I’d been putting God-sized expectations on my husband, when that was clearly never his role. So, he led me by quiet example and I quietly followed. Those days and weeks were a blur of tears and guilt and hiding myself under the shadow of the wings of my Great Comforter. I became determined not to push God away after loss when I had pushed Him away after blessings. Since I had no clue what to do with this “determination,” I read and listened to God’s Word a whole stinking lot. I focused on the promises that He hadn’t left me, He comforts and He gives us a future hope. I memorized and frequently recited to myself a handful of bible passages and prayed earnestly for another son. I so badly wanted to see the kind of little boy we would have and watch the man I adore raise a son to be just like him. Yet I saw myself as the “weak link” in our family. My husband loved our girls so well, right from the start, and here I was, ruining them. I also began thinking more and more about foster care, though wasn’t fully convinced I could do it.

As the year drew to a close, we did begin to seriously pray about fostering and started an initial application, only to find out weeks later that I was pregnant again, which brought foster certification to a screeching halt. After losing Josiah and having never “felt” pregnant with him, I was very sensitive to the lack of pregnancy symptoms this time around. I never felt sure this baby would live and was less surprised when my intuition proved correct. Baby #4 never got a name from us and never grew past six weeks. While this loss was less unexpected for me, it was much harder in some ways. Not many knew of this loss, so I felt more compelled to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine. I became convinced that our second loss was also a boy and maybe I couldn’t have boys. Maybe there really was something more “wrong” with me than I thought and I needed to focus on thanking God for the healthy girls He already gave me and pursue becoming a foster mom. As we processed through our grief and attempted to help our girls do the same, we talked and prayed more and more about fostering. It seemed like the question that constantly entered my mind was “why SHOULDN’T we foster?” instead of my previous “why SHOULD we foster?” Up to this point I’d thought we needed to have a special draw towards it, or have always wanted to do it. As we prayed and waited, the Lord was patiently teaching me that I wasn’t the “weak link” because He had already made me new through Jesus. God had provided a three-bedroom condo for us to rent at a price well below market value (with my very own WASHER AND DRYER!) and provided a minivan for us. He had plans and they weren’t finished. He continued growing me in my relationships with my girls and even now keeps reminding me that He gives me what I need each day, each hour, each minute… if I just ASK!

We pursued foster certification even as I wrestled with feeling as though I had somehow failed my husband by not giving him a son. And then I would feel guilty like somehow my girls were a consolation prize. How awful. Meanwhile those two girls were (and still are!) growing into caring, considerate, fun-loving, beautiful young ladies. I can’t imagine our family without my best little “helpers.” Yet, I still wrestled back and forth between feeling a failure and the guilt but was too afraid to continue asking God to give us a son. I thought maybe I could have another daughter, but we just needed to be content and thankful without a son. In hindsight, I think I was too afraid to ask God for a son because I didn’t believe He could be THAT good or THAT loving. After all, I’d known plenty of women who had struggled with infertility and prayed for years (some are still praying) for healing and a child. Here I was with two healthy girls, struggling to love them well, and discontent with the blessings God had given me. I believed God loved me, but didn’t owe me a single answered prayer, least of all for a son I would likely ruin!

After the summer, our foster certification process really began and we accepted our first short-term placement of a sibling set in April. It was NOT pretty. I realized then that we weren’t in a place to foster a sibling set, so we changed our profile to singletons. Our second placement only lasted eight days, but our third placement began just a few hours after #2 was reunified with his parents. Little Dude came to us June 15, 2016, one month before his first birthday and weighing in at 27 pounds. He had the longest eyelashes I’d ever seen and was a pretty easy-going baby from the start. However, his easy-going temperament didn’t change the wrestling in my heart. I found myself resenting him for being born. How ridiculous I feel just writing that! He and I have gone up and down on this roller coaster of grief and foster care unknowns. There were days, sometimes weeks, when getting through a day with him felt only barely possible.

During this time we began studying the book of Isaiah at church. It felt like every week we were talking about trusting God and every week I would cry and beg God to help me truly trust Him: most especially for our family and the number of children we would have, biological or adopted. Little Dude and I would have some good days and some bad days, but we were getting used to each other. Part of God’s working through the Isaiah series was regarding my attempt to control the timing of another possible pregnancy. The Lord kept challenging me that He was the one in control all along, no matter what I did that made me feel like I had set my plans in motion. So we stopped preventing pregnancy. Having gotten pregnant four times before without any issues or delays, I anticipated a positive test the very next month. How little I had learned about Who was really in control! Several months went by and each month, with every new sermon in Isaiah, I cried and prayed that I would trust God in the waiting and remember that He alone is the Author and Sustainer of life. Isaiah 26:3 grabbed my heart during this time: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Oh, how I longed for that perfect peace! Yet here I was, anxious and wishing somehow I could just know what was ahead. Will I ever have another biological child? Will I be a failure of a wife that couldn’t have the four children we hoped and planned for?

Then October came. October has historically been a difficult month since I moved to California as I miss my formerly treasured autumns in New England, but now I mourn the loss of Josiah and his little brother or sister because they weren’t born that month. Coupled with the Isaiah series and a handful of other (perfectly orchestrated) events, I was so glad to finally enter November and put the emotional mess behind me. But that’s when we saw the positive test!

Speech Therapy

Alice is starting speech therapy classes this Wednesday, September 11. This came after her June 10 speech evaluation when we were told that she would more than likely be able to receive free speech therapy through California's public school system. We met with the two speech therapists last Wednesday, September 4, to go over her evaluation from June and learned that Alice was put in the highest of the four need-based categories: Profound. She qualifies for 45 minutes of therapy, one day a week for the next year, when she'll be re-evaluated. The therapist walking us through all the paperwork smiled and said "So, it's good that you brought her when you did!"

But I have to admit, that hopeful, look-on-the-bright-side attitude which she demonstrated was quite far from my thoughts at that moment. Inside my head looked a little more like...

"Is she going to be scarred for life? Why didn't I bring her in sooner? I've failed as a mother and she's only three! "

Andrew & I didn't get a chance to regroup after the meeting as he had to get to work, but his first reaction (as I found out when we talked that evening) was more like "There's nothing wrong with my daughter!"

Since then I've had more time to think and pray. This past week has been one of intense blessing as I've wrestled with the feelings mentioned above while noticing more than ever how quickly she's learning and growing. For example, she's really loving drawing and writing, especially her name. If you haven't seen it on Facebook, here's the picture I posted of Alice writing her name all by herself.

In addition to all this I've been reading a book called Give Them Grace: Dazzling your Kids with the Love of Jesus by by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick & Jessica Thompson. I've mentioned it before and, yes, I'm still reading it because I don't want to forget anything I'm reading in it! They talk about watching your kids to notice areas of strength and weakness in order to help them learn how to use their strengths well and improve in weak areas. I don't do justice to the wisdom they share, but it's got me thinking more along the lines of noticing things my girls do well and encouraging them. My tendency is to look at the weaknesses and blame myself for failing my children, rather than seeing that God has created them with exactly the strengths and weaknesses that He planned for them.

Also, it's really hard being a parent. Duh. But seriously, she's three years old and I really think I should be able to keep her "safe and warm" in my little bubble of mom-protection. God is teaching me that I can't fix everything for her, no matter how much I think I should be able to. Not to mention the fact that my "mom bubble" is only in my head. She's in God's hands and has been from the day she was just a tiny little embryo, even before that! God has entrusted her to Andrew and me and we are responsible for how we raise her and how we demonstrate the gospel to her. But it feels easier to think I can take care of her rather than trusting God to protect her or allow trials in her life that are exactly what He planned for her. I can't help but think of Job's response to his wife's lack of faith when they have experienced so much loss.

"But he said to her, 'You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?'" Job 2:10

This is not to say that I think Alice's need for speech therapy to be something "evil," but it does remind me that God is not surprised at her need. In fact, He has even blessed us with the opportunity to get free speech therapy for her.

So, perhaps, this is my first opportunity to learn that I can't keep my children from experiencing difficult things in life. Just think of what we have in store! Actually, I'd rather not. I'll just take one day at a time.

I wish I was this cool...

Or this cool...

But I'm pretty sure he is...

I love my family :-)

Friday Night

Some times I start a blog post and don't really know what I'm going to end up writing about. I have a few things in my head that may end up in the post, but maybe not. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it usually means I can't give the post a title until the end. Which means that some times I publish the post without a title, realize (hopefully quickly) what I've done, and then re-publish with some title that is at least remotely related to the post. So. Now you know.

Yesterday the girls and I visited two playgrounds. Mainly I wanted to test out our new camera, but I did honestly want to get them outside for their own good. It was fun. The whole day was fun. Sure, there was a little whining, but it was less than normal. Alice even left the playgrounds without crying. Yes, playgroundS. She didn't cry when we left either one. Made me think I might be doing something right. Y'know that verse about pride going before a fall? "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall" Prov. 16:18. If you've never read that verse, there you go. Kinda felt like that today. Bummer.

Right now I'm posting while Alice finishes her dinner. She's been eating for an HOUR. Good news is that now she actually appears to be consistently eating rather than playing. Emma's just sitting in her chair happily watching Alice and playing with her tongue. Feels funny if you think about it. Can you imagine if you didn't know what your tongue felt like and then discovered it? Pretty amazing.

My new goal is to be in bed by 9PM every night. I may not be ready to fall asleep (though some nights I am for sure), but at least be in bed and asleep before 10PM. The goal being that I can wake before Emma and read my bible and exercise and maybe even SHOWER before she is out of bed. Hasn't happened yet, but I'm headed there. I can feel it.

Okay, Alice is "Done! Done! Done! Done!" so I'd better get going. Happy weekend!

p.s. For those non-Facebookers... Pictures HERE!

It's 2013

Most people have lots going on during December and we are no exception. This year we were able to visit my family on the East coast for almost two weeks. It feels like we've been going non-stop, but I've also had so much in my mind that actually writing it down seemed near impossible. I'm back to normal life these days, which reminded me that we have a blog!

Emma is ONE year old. I realize I'm a little late posting about this since her birthday was the 16th. Ten days. Not so bad. At her one year appointment on Monday she weighed a whopping 18.3 lbs, putting her in the 8th percentile. The pediatrician finally acknowledged that, yes, she's just petite. Believe it or not, he wasn't telling me anything new.

Alice and Emma have also begun taking simultaneous naps, meaning Emma's only doing one nap a day. I'm loving the time to read my bible without distraction and then simply enjoy the quiet. As of Sunday they've been napping in the same room, which was only successful for one day and then has been somewhat of a battle... until today! It didn't occur to me until today that maybe if Emma had already succumbed to her exhaustion when Alice got in her bed they wouldn't distract each other from falling asleep. Worked like a charm. Emma took way less time to fall asleep than normal, which meant Alice was tired enough after waiting for Emma to fall asleep that she got right in bed and fell asleep quickly. Love when parenting efforts "work."

Can't seem to decide lately which book to read, so I'm reading three at a time (four if you count the one Andrew & I are reading together). Today has been Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic. It's concise and often feels like someone just dumped a cup of ice water over my head. The chapter I just read is called "Watch Your Language." Here's a sample of what I mean about the ice water:

Another way in which we can do damage to ourselves is through the use of totally innocent words that we use to allow ourselves something. I remember thinking sometimes when the twins were little that I had better stop being overwhelmed... God gave me this to do. I may not be overwhelmed about it. I can try as hard as I can, and maybe fail sometimes. I can try as hard as I can and fall asleep at the dinner table. I can try as hard as I can and be completely burned out at the end of the day. But I may not be overwhelmed. Actually, I may be overwhelmed, but I may not say that I am overwhelmed! The words have a real power over us. If you say it, you allow it for yourself. You give yourself that little bit of room to say, "But I can't!"... Deciding not to say it is different than never actually being in over your head. But God loves a cheerful worker. I am still frequently in over my head. Actually, most of the time! But deciding not to wallow in that fact has removed one of the biggest obstacles to my work--my own calculations of how hard the job is.

I probably could have quoted the whole chapter. For any of you out there who are moms of little ones, this books is a MUST read. This chapter was a longer one, 5 pages, so it's easy to read a chapter in between diaper changing and reading a book to your toddler, for example :-)

And now that it's quiet around here (assuming I choose to block out the thumping music from next door), I will read my bible! Happy Saturday!

And then it hit me...

Alice is TWO AND A HALF YEARS OLD today. Her favorite thing lately is "Mama, play? Mama, play?" which means she wants me to chase her, let her get away, hide, wait for her to come looking for me and then jump out and scare her. Like really scare her. It's best if she thinks I'm in one place and then I catch her from behind. She freaks out and throws herself into my arms and says "Again?" Okay, in all honesty it sounds more like "Mama, pay?" and "Na?"

When we're driving somewhere Alice likes to point out all the vehicles she sees, and sounds genuinely surprised when she sees anything that she can tell me about (which is constantly). She says "Oh! White car! Oh! Green car! Oh! Orange truck! Oh! Blue bus!" This, however, also requires a trained ear because it sounds more like "Ah! Whitey daw! Ah! Deen daw! Ah! Ahn duh! Ah! Boo buh!" And I'd prefer this over the constant "Doh! Doh! Doh!" (translation: "Go! Go! Go!") every time I'm stopped at a red light. We're trying to explain that when the light is red we have to stop and wait patiently (read: QUIETLY) for it to turn green, at which point we may proceed. It's a process.

We've taken a step backwards in potty training. Up to the last month or so Alice would periodically get on the toilet herself. Now she screams like I'm causing her bodily harm if I try to... gasp... put her on the potty! So my brilliant attempt at moving away from this tonight was to offer stickers. I put one on her hand after she used the potty and then taped a piece of paper on the door for her to put another sticker on. Yeah, that was pretty much the end of the world. Tantrum galore. Once she finally calmed down I explained that the paper will stay there for her to put another sticker on when she uses the potty again. Another tantrum. Oi. Then came the book-reading distraction. So thankful that sometimes distractions still work on this girl.

Emma will be TEN months on Friday. She's still comfortably wearing her 6 month sized clothes. A few 3 month items still fit too. BUT, there are some 9 month sized clothes that don't completely drown her! She's quite petite. And I love it. I'm thankful that my first baby was on the "bigger" side so both Andrew & I could get used to a baby without worrying about breaking her. And I'm thankful that my second baby is on the "smaller" side because I'm not worried that I'm doing something wrong based on her size. She's just little.

But her size does not slow her down at all. She's constantly on the move, looking for something else to put in her mouth. Today she figured out how to climb up the stairs and then was laughing hysterically watching Alice go up and down ahead of her. So cute. Emma is really starting to enjoy watching and learning from her big sister. She also responds incredibly well to Alice's "hugs" which may be more accurately described as "tackles."

Pictures from the first half-ish of November here. This includes Emma's first time meeting Grandpa Bill & Mimi. So fun!

Tonight they enjoyed their second bath together in the big tub. Emma LOVES when Alice splashes and Alice loves that her own splashing encourages Emma to join in. Stark contrast to the usual Alice repeatedly wrenching toy after toy from Emma's grasp exclaiming "Mine!" and causing the most horrible wail to escape from an otherwise mild-tempered baby. Ah, motherhood. Wouldn't trade this for the world.

Election 2012

Today is the election. It looks like President Obama will be holding his office. I'm glad that the Lord already knew the outcome of this election and isn't surprised. Also glad that the Lord has given us a hope that's bigger than the next president.

Today's episode of the Gilmore girls ended at the mall (again). Mom needed to take a walk, but the un-air conditioned out-of-doors wasn't too welcoming. During the 30 minutes of laps around the second level Emma snoozed for perhaps 10 minutes and then thoroughly enjoyed watching Alice play at the kids' "Playtown." It would've been excellent to videotape Alice playing with the other kids, if the video camera was in attendance. Alas, it was not. One little girl in particular really wanted to hold Alice's hand and drag her around the place. Alice complied for a little while and then got fed up with someone telling her what to do. Eventually she just ran away any time the girl came near. Oh yeah, it was a proud Mom moment for sure.

Today marks the fourth day of the maintenance guy (who doesn't work weekends) not fixing our screens from the break-in on Halloween night. Don't worry, as far as we can tell, only a few small things were taken--most noteworthy being our checkbook (the account has since been changed and put on alert) and Andrew's iPod. Bummer, but thankful nothing too sentimental was taken. I randomly walked by one of the managers today who told me that he fixed one of the screens but not the other. Yeah, that was incorrect. They both still have slits in them. She did assure me he'd be by first thing in the morning to fix the front one, which I kind of don't believe. Ah, apartment life!

Today is also November 6, which means in one week Alice will be exactly two and a half. Holy moly. She's been talking in sentences lately, but it takes a highly trained ear to decipher them. Even mommy's ear is sometimes insufficient. I'm told that one day language just "clicks" and they start speaking real words that normal people understand. Not to say mommy is abnormal. Well, I guess that's debatable.

And on that note, I must sleep!

Alice in Wonderland

Love these adorable girls! More pictures of Halloween & October here.

Happy Halloween!

My Halloween treat is simultaneous naps. LOVE them... love the girls too ;-)

I've finished Alice's costume which she will wear to Awana tonight at church since daddy is teaching the lesson. I'll stay home with Emma. I should probably have candy to hand out... I haven't gotten them both in their costumes yet because I still have a few things left to finish Emma's. Pictures will be coming, I promise!

So the last several weeks we've all been on and off sick, which has meant not good sleep all around. Last night the girls didn't make a peep from 8PM-6AM. Okay, I think it was 5:58 when Alice came in our room. It. Was. Awesome.

And now I hear Emma playing, which is better than screaming. But if I don't go get her soon it will become screaming.

What's on the ground?

This morning when I woke up it was overcast. Oh. Yes. Water even fell from the sky. Sure, it was in very tiny mist-like droplets, but it was water. From the sky. Otherwise known as RAIN.

For this reason I decided to make comfort food for dinner: spaetzle (egg noodles) and lentil soup. So thankful for my spaetzle maker!

I intended to take a picture of my plate but I couldn't reach the camera from where I sat. And you just can't let spaetzle and lentil soup get cold. Maybe when I have the leftovers I'll take a picture. If I remember.

The past few nights we've been putting the girls to bed at the same time and it's been going fairly well. Before that I'd put Emma down and then Alice once Emma started quieting down. Inevitably Alice would be past tired when she finally made it to bed and Emma would wake up and re-start her before-bed-squealing. This then turned into a cycle of Alice screeching, Emma crying, Alice wailing, Emma banging her legs on the mattress, Alice sobbing. You get the idea. Not the most pleasant for anyone really. Tonight marks the third night in a row of girls getting to bed without excessive amounts of screaming. Just to clarify, the screaming comes from them, not Andrew & me. At least, not audible screaming from us...

I'm optimistic that we've turned over a new leaf (HA, get the autumn reference?!?) with the girls and they'll do much better sharing a room from here on out. I'm not being sarcastic.

The dishes are calling. You know what they're saying? "Where did the counter go?"

October. For real.

Can't really believe this is October. Maybe it's the 100 degree weather. Or maybe... No, it's the 100 degree weather.

Can't stand their cute-ness in this picture. See the toys in the background? That's pretty tame.

Emma is clapping a lot these days and dancing whenever she hears music. Actually, any time she hears any kind of rhythm she moves. For example, she often starts to bob her head while I'm burping her. Hilarious. She's super smiley, very ticklish, and loves playing peek-a-boo. Though she's not too fond of using her knees to get around, she's got no trouble getting where she wants to go by army crawling on her belly. She will also play by herself forever, unless she gets hungry. But at that point she just crawls over to me and tries to crawl up my legs. So cute.

Alice spends much of her time (when not throwing a tantrum) playing with "Doll" and "Baby" (I get real creative with naming dolls...) and having tea parties with her stuffed animals. Today we made diapers for doll (out of old socks-thanks Mike!) in mommy's attempt to distract Alice. It lasted maybe two minutes. Ah well, I tried. She's also a book-a-holic, like her daddy. When tea parties get old, she'll bring book after book after book for mommy to read. I'd prefer this over watching Elmo sing songs on YouTube, which is perhaps her most favorite thing in the world. This activity, however, is reserved for when mommy needs to take a shower and keep Alice in one place (and doesn't have to listen to Elmo singing songs that have the ability to get stuck in your head for the next month).

Now I go to bed. Hopefully our room has cooled off a bit, even though the thermometer is claiming 80 degrees.

The Temperature Started with a 7

Yes, that's right. Today's high was 79 degrees. Even though we'll be back up into the 90s within a week, it was still really REALLY awesome.

Woke up this morning with a sore throat. After a cup of hot water/lemon/honey, I've been drinking water like it's my job. The girls are in bed. Asleep even! I think the baby crazies have been largely weather related. Good to know what I have to look forward to with the warmer weather making a comeback.

Why does bleach burn in your nostrils? I can still smell it, more than 5 hours later.

Tonight Alice is wearing pants to bed (pink ones with strawberries all over, which she loves) and Emma is wearing footie pjs (size 3-6 months, which are finally getting a little snug on her). These girls are so cute.

It's starting to become apparent that Alice is perhaps leaning towards becoming a girly girl. Every day she wants to wear a dress. To be exact, she wants to wear her fancy Easter dress (pictured here --> ). Once dressed she literally takes two or three minutes (an eternity for a two year old) deciding which shoes she wants to wear. Often she'll get one pair on, then take them off and get another pair to wear instead. Then I need to fix her ponytails. Usually she opts for two ponytails, not just one. Or, she changes her mind when I'm halfway through, exclaiming "Done, done, done, done!" (Translation: "One, one, one, one!") Am I headed down the path of a frilly, indecisive girly girl? Will she love PINK?!?!

I try to comfort myself with the fact that she's kind of a bruiser, frequently sporting bruises, cuts and bumps. This is probably more owing to her being a two year old. I know. I'm grasping at straws. I don't stand a chance.

I made some banana oatmeal cookies and they're kind of delicious. They taste like banana bread, but with oatmeal and cinnamon spectacular-ness.

Sometimes when I re-read my posts I realize how tired I am. This is one of those times. I think I'll go to bed early since it seems I might have the opportunity.

THIS is Autumn?

I've lived in southern California for ten years. (Whoa.) I hear that it's normal for September to be hot. I'm still not used to it. I think last year I broke out my "autumn" decorations on August 31. This year the boxes haven't even made it out of storage. BUT, at least our blog represents what I know and love to be autumn: fall foliage!

That said, I finally uploaded our July & August pictures to the web album (though I did manage to get them on Facebook a few weeks ago).

This may end up being my lonely September post, but who knows? Maybe Alice & Emma will decide to nap at the same time next week. On a good day their naps are almost completely staggered. After this week I'd love to have a "good day" like that next week.

Terrible twos are in full-swing in the world of Alice. She really doesn't like using words, though she does talk. All. The. Time. Right now I can't get much done without listening to whining and crying from her direction. So, not much is getting done. She definitely has the word "hungry" (even though it sounds more like "honey") down, and tells me that she's hungry every moment of the day unless I've distracted her with something else. Then at meal times she doesn't want to eat anything but raisins ("da-deen") or grapes ("bite-ee"). Sigh. At least we're almost halfway to three. Then again, I've been told that it's the "terrible threes" for some. Please, Lord, let that not be Alice.

Army crawling is Emma's favorite thing. She especially likes army crawling to daddy's books on the lowest bookshelf and eating them when mommy's not looking. The cord to the floor lamp is also a popular chew toy.

Speaking of which, I definitely bought my children dog toys from the Target clearance section yesterday. And I didn't even realize they were dog toys (Warning label reading: For Dog Use Only. Not for Children), until I gave them to Alice in the car. So now she has three colorful rubber balls that squeak and a green frisbee which she has no clue how to use. HA. I'm such a good mom :-)

I hope you enjoyed these pictures of my charming daughters. Clearly they will be the epitome of "ladies" as they grow.

Well, it's been fun, but the fireworks are going off (thank you Disneyland), which means I need to get the bedtime routine going before it's 11 and I'm still awake. Good night and good luck.

The Lonesome August Post

Lots to write about, but I need to start with my near heart attack today.

It was time for Emma to eat and take a nap so I told Alice to stay downstairs and play while mommy put Emma to bed. Of course, she climbed the stairs after 10 minutes or so, right when Emma was starting to nod off. Once she reached the top step I started shaking my head "no" so she wouldn't come in and make a bunch of noise to distract Emma and wake her up. At that moment I blinked and saw her feet fly up into the air...

It didn't matter that Emma was almost asleep or in the middle of eating. I gently threw her into the center of our bed and RAN to the stairs to see what had become of my firstborn. All of this probably only took seconds, but it felt like I was moving in slow motion. When I got to the top of the stairs I saw Alice only 4 or 5 stairs from the top, clutching the stair she'd grabbed mid-fall and screaming. She was, apparently, freaked out by the ordeal as well. After a quick inspection I found no blood or bumps and held her until she calmed down, reminding her to be careful on the stairs.

My heart didn't stop racing for at least 15 minutes. In fact, writing the experience out has made it start racing again... and she didn't even get hurt!

...breathe...

Before today's excitement came vacation excitement. We spent 4 nights camping with Andrew's family (sans his youngest brother who couldn't get off work... as John would say, "bummah"). After camping we stayed a week at a friend's lake house at Bass Lake during a serious heat wave, followed by two nights in Santa Maria visiting family. I'll attempt some summaries of each leg of the trip:

Camping: First time with all four of us in a tent. By the second morning wasn't sure I'd make it another two nights. Third morning proved that it was possible. Was really hot during the day and pleasantly cold at night. Slightly concerned with keeping warm the babies who don't stay under their covers.

Bass Lake: Since Alice & Emma were forced to sleep "in the same room" camping, we kept it going. Kind of awesome. Spent lots of time at the lake. Over 100 degrees EVERY DAY. Alice & Emma both loved the water. Started a "Gilmore Buoy Swim" tradition. Yeah, we're that cool.

Santa Maria: Introduced Emma to her second cousin, Miles, for the first time. He's 18 days older and ridiculously cute. Lots of photos (which haven't made it off the camera) were taken. Ate much delicious food.

And now we're home and Andrew started school this morning at 8AM, with his LAST semester of Hebrew. No, not his last semester of seminary, but (Lord-willing) only three more semesters and an anticipated graduation date of December 2013.

Can't. Wait.

The girls have been sleeping in Alice's room since we returned and yesterday we finally determined how we could get all things baby-related into their room. Okay, most things baby-related. It's sort of impossible to contain all things baby in one place. You understand if you have a baby. Even more so if you have a toddler. I spent a good three hours this morning re-organizing clothing: boxing up clothes that Emma has grown out of (I think she's FINALLY past her three month clothes... yeah, she's seven months old), boxing up clothes that Alice has grown out of, getting out clothes that now fit each girl, sorting, folding, sorting, folding again after one of them grabbed a stack and dumped it. But they've both been pretty excellent in allowing me to get things done while they play "together."

Alice had her first real explosion at Emma yesterday. There was lots of screaming (on Alice's part) and a toy was thrown (at Emma). No one was seriously injured. Apparently Emma had shown interest in sucking the wheel of Alice's doll stroller. Not. Okay. I think it was a small taste of what is to come. Ah sisters.

There's probably more to write about. Losing brain power. Pictures might come soon, but they will come eventually. It was kind of nice being away from all technology for two weeks.

Where did June go?

I admit blogging has not been high on my priority list as of late. Not to make excuses but our June was a little busy. One or all of us attended three graduations, seven graduation parties, one BBQ, one bridal shower, one wedding, and one day of paintball. Not to mention the "normal" things on our schedule. AND, Andrew went to Israel from June 19-29. I wasn't home for part of that, so that certainly doesn't help my motivation to blog. I digress...

Here's my attempt at a "quick" update on the last two months!

Andrew finished his eighth semester and did better than he thought as far as grades go. I don't actually remember what they were, so I'll let him share if he so desires. He's busy with summer youth events at church, but we are both thankful for the summer break after a LONG school year. We're anticipating his last semester, Lord-willing, being Fall 2013. SO CLOSE.

Alice is a full-blown two year old. She talks constantly (a few English words now), swims with her "muscles" (arm floaties) all by herself, helps mommy water the garden with her watering can (thank you Grandma!), hugs and kisses EVERYthing and asks for it to sit on her lap, and SO MUCH MORE. She keeps me going all. day. long. She's also mastered the tantrum. I thought she had it down long ago, but no. I was sorely mistaken. It's a fine art and she's got the gift.

Emma is six months old as of yesterday. I found some clay to make her hand print (like the one we have when Alice was six months old) and it came out great. Her hand is smaller than Alice's was at six months. You can tell that Alice had more meat on her bones. I don't have new stats for Emma yet (her next dr appt is on Monday), but at four months she was in the 30th percentile for weight, 75th for length, and 57th for head circumference. I think she was just under 13 lbs and something like 25 inches. She also started eating solids (meaning rice cereal mixed with mommy's milk) a few days ago. So far she's crazy messy and sucks her thumb or hand or fist or all of the above after EVERY single bite. I'm pretty sure some of it actually gets down her throat, but it's sort of hard to tell when you see the aftermath. She's rolling from tummy to back like a pro and getting really close to rolling back to tummy. Seems to be baffled by sitting up. Either she just folds right in half and sucks on her toes or will not be bent in the middle. She'll let you hold her standing. Emma is also quite the talker and I frequently wonder how I ended up with TWO loud girls?! Recently her "singing" has come out a few times as "ma ma ma" and that's pretty excellent.

Amy (that's me) likes being a stay-at-home mom. It seems like I always have a to-do list that's a mile long, but I'd rather play with my girls and let the dishes pile up. That said, I did just spend almost an hour cleaning up the dishes and kitchen. Oi. Worth waiting though. Alice & I had a great day playing together and reading LOTS of books. Her current favorite is a book about farms. She's also loving a recent addition "Little Blue Truck" with lots of animal noises and another book with songs we sing together. She LOVES Itsy Bitsy Spider and Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Oh, and of course the Wheels on the Bus. Reading books with Alice helped me rediscover joy in reading (not aloud to her), finally finishing the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Then The Princess Bride. Now reading Wuthering Heights. Can't forget... I have a garden too! We've got two different tomato plants, cucumbers, green beans, basil and cilantro (re-planted after the first batch I killed). Check out pictures here.

We celebrated our sixth anniversary on July 8th and were able to spend a night away without children, thanks to Grandma and Grandpa. It was weird at first, but so incredibly wonderful. Even though it was less than 24 hours, it was so refreshing and reminded me how blessed I am to have a hard-working husband who sees the benefit of having his wife home raising their children. I kind of can't believe we've been married six years already! Praying the Lord allows us many decades more!

So, now we're caught up. Here are pictures of May and June!

Verdict on my "quick"ness? Fail. Good night!

The Bible, Bibs and Boxes

This morning Alice and I enjoyed a cup of tea and read the Bible together. True, hers was a sippy and she didn't share much of the actual reading, but it was an excellent way to start our day. I think I'd like to make a habit of this with her, especially since I can't enjoy my own cup of tea without her wanting some. I figured it's probably better to just plan to share it with her and make the most of the time she sits and gulps it down. So, ask me how it's going in a few days or weeks...

Her new favorite thing is emptying the drawer of bibs and "packing" them into different boxes. Yes, we have a drawer dedicated to bibs with a few oven mitts sharing the space. I suppose Alice has seen mommy packing boxes quite a bit and wants to help. But, the bibs don't stay packed. We'll see how she likes it when they DO stay packed. I'll just have to make sure I know where they are so I can make a new bib drawer for her to discover ASAP. She's rounding out the second hour of her nap (YAY!) and I'm looking at a living room strewn with probably 30 bibs as I bounce Emma in her seat using my foot. What a life :-)

We've now got five days until the move, but really only four left to pack. Wow. Haven't thought of it in those terms until now. Today I've gotten three boxes packed. Part of the problem is the loud tape dispenser. I think I just need to put together a bunch of boxes (most of them are flat at the moment) while everyone's awake. Then I can pack while Emma sleeps and tape the boxes closed once she wakes again. In theory, that should work. We'll see how the next four days go.

Well, Alice must have sensed that I was noticing how long she'd been asleep because she's awake now. And Emma is falling asleep. I guess I won't be taping boxes just yet.

And I love this weather.

Moving

As I mentioned in the last post, we're moving. It's less than two weeks away now and thanks to my wonderful husband and my awesome mom-in-law, we have started packing! Last week we finally were able to go into a two bedroom apartment at the complex we're moving to. It wasn't our apartment, but it had the same (actually mirror image) floor plan. We took measurements so I could make my graph paper, to-scale apartment drawing. Yes, I'm that cool. I do this with every apartment and have made little cut outs of each piece of furniture we own (which are also to scale) so I can "rearrange" the rooms without actually moving anything heavy. I think it's smart, but some think it's a little OCD. I'm okay with that.

The night before we measured the apartment I could hardly sleep because I was so anxious about our furniture fitting. The night after we measured the apartment I could hardly sleep because I was so anxious about our furniture fitting--it apparently didn't fit. The night after the night after we measured the apartment I could hardly sleep because I was so anxious about our furniture fitting--we might have found a way.

Three nights of interrupted, unsettled sleep is not good. Then I got two more nights of less-than-good sleep while attending our church's women's retreat. Silly me, I thought bringing Emma wouldn't be a big deal. Oi.

Today Emma got her first round of vaccines and turned into a NIGHTMARE this afternoon, fever and all. Alice was a peach too. Granted, I got more sleep last night than the whole weekend combined; but it's interesting what two screaming babies will do to a severely sleep-deprived person.

Okay. I cried.

But the Lord keeps bringing to mind Philippians 4:6-7...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Honestly, I haven't had much peace in the past week. The retreat this weekend was all about finding Joy in the Journey. What I heard of it (when Emma cooperated) challenged me to look for the joy of each day, even when at the end of that day my head is pounding and I can't remember if I ate or drank anything at all. At the end of those days I'm blessed to have two beautiful girls who are growing and learning and giving their mommy so many reasons to smile. And I have a hard-working husband who sacrificially gives us everything he's got. So after we get both girls to bed and he's got homework to do, we decide tonight is a good night for a card game.

He's going down.

Twenty-two (Months)

It's very important when you're two months away from your second birthday to learn how to do things on your own. Alice actually discovered the importance of this before she was 22 months old, but it's really taking hold these days. This is how I found her after her nap last week. She was trying to take off her shirt. Clearly that was an unsuccessful attempt. It looks like she put her arm in the bottom and brought it out of the hole for her head. She didn't get the fact that she needs to remove her arm from the sleeve first. Sleeves are a bit much for her still.

She's also becoming proficient (ish) with using utensils. Here she was thoroughly enjoying her yogurt. I'm learning that it's best to remove her shirt (sometimes her pants as well), just so I don't freak out as much as she's learning. Is this a common strategy? I feel like the moms who leave the kids clothing on while they learn to feed themselves with utensils must have their own washer and dryer. It's just easier for me to have less food dried and crusty on her clothes. I must say, yogurt is actually fairly new-user-friendly when it comes to eating it with a spoon. Aside from the streak in her hair, she did a pretty good job keeping it generally in the same mouth-chest area.

Then of course we had a warm day and, smart mommy that I am, I decided Alice would LOVE to play in a bin of water on our balcony since we couldn't really go outside while Emma was napping. She had a blast. I filled our dish bin with water and gave her two plastic cups and her sand toys. Then I took pictures as she splashed around in it. I'm not really sure why, but it didn't occur to me that she'd dump it over her head and on herself. Seeing as how this is her favorite activity in the bathtub, it really should have dawned on me that this might happen. Eventually she picked up the whole bin and dumped it all over the place. In hindsight, that would have been a good "ending" time to her fun. Nope, I got her more water and then tried to bring her inside before she'd dumped all the water out. Bad move. Tantrum extraordinaire. Plus, it was lunch time and then nap time. She was ready for bed. But, we all survived.

Her new favorite toy is her pirate turtle sandbox, which we purchased off craigslist (ironically from a Biola grad) for $15. I call the turtle a pirate because, well, he's missing an eye. I think we might make an eye patch for him. Seems appropriate. Right now there's no sand in him, but that doesn't seem to bother Alice. We'll probably wait to get some sand until after we move in two and a half weeks!

Bunny trail... Yes, we're moving again. This will be our fifth apartment in five and a half years. Sigh. Moving is getting old. Hopefully we can stay at this one for a while. It's about a mile and a half down the street and we have some friends already living in the complex, which is really nice. We'll also save $300/month on rent, which is REALLY nice. The new apartment is a townhouse style, which means indoor stairs and first level entry! YAY! We've always lived on a second level apartment (I don't like having people above me), but it's a little harder to deal with when you have two little ones to carry up and down the stairs along with all the groceries. We'll also have a bigger patio where the sandbox should fit nicely. One bummer: no barbeques allowed. We're not sure what we'll do with ours yet, but I don't think we want to get rid of it.

Return from bunny trail... After we got the turtle (in Huntington Beach), we decided to have a picnic dinner on the beach. It was Emma's first trip to the beach. Not sure she was impressed, but her sister certainly was! It was pretty cold and getting late so we didn't stick around long, but we decided picnic dinners on the beach needed to happen more often... and earlier in the evening.

Last, but not least, more pictures of the aforementioned events have been uploaded to the web album. There's also an excellent album of Alice's Bows, which you should check out. We put EVERY bow in Alice's hair after her bath the other night. She really loves her bows. For those of you that may be inspired to purchase more bows because of this... Well, I probably can't stop you, but we don't need any more pink ones. Just saying.

p.s. Children don't understand this whole daylight savings adjustment. Alice has been "napping" (i.e. playing in her crib) for over an hour. Sounds like she might be close to napping soon...

Something in the Air...

Emma is in her bouncy seat, where she's been for almost two hours. Alice is in her crib, where she's been for almost an hour and a half. The difference? Alice is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF and Emma is sleeping.

I just found myself wondering "Did God create screaming or is it a result of the fall?"