Beauty from Ashes (Part 2)

I wish I could say that this positive pregnancy test calmed all my fears, but no, they just morphed into a new, hormonally-charged worry. This time I felt much more pregnant than I had with the two we lost but we decided to do some hormone testing to be sure everything was looking okay. When my progesterone levels were headed in the wrong direction, we decided to supplement. I filled my progesterone prescription and began the supplements, preparing myself for about four weeks of this, since I could stop once my placenta had formed around 14 weeks. I was ten weeks along and my crazy hormonal anxiety was a daily struggle so we decided to have an ultrasound for some peace of mind. We celebrated as we heard a good strong heart beat but wondered why baby was much smaller than a normal ten week old baby in utero. Baby was only about eight weeks and four days old, based on measurements, but doing well. Long story short, we moved my due date a couple weeks later and praised the Lord that I had already started supplementing my progesterone when baby needed it most! While these were all good signs, I am ever the skeptic. I wavered back and forth between trusting God with whatever outcome He had planned for our family, and worrying that I couldn’t handle losing another baby. Every morning I would wake praying for the baby and every night I’d fall asleep praying for the baby. I tried to remind myself that the Lord alone sustains life and He wants me to pray for the desires of my heart. It was for this reason that we shared the news with a few people so they too could join us in praying. I prayed more consistently for one thing than I ever have: God, please preserve the life of this little one!

Three weeks passed and I needed to refill my progesterone prescription since the due date adjustment had thrown it off. I had slowly stopped regularly reminding myself about God’s trustworthiness and became increasingly fearful that I didn’t need this prescription refilled because baby was already gone. Sure, I had absolutely NO basis for the fear, but hormones! Not coincidentally, the week before my prescription was going to run out was the week that my husband was sermonizing (preparing to preach) for Sunday. During one particularly difficult day, I texted him asking for prayer and he responded that the passage he was studying said the phrase “fear not” three times. Lots of tears. How could I fear not when I had no guarantee of the outcome?? Oh, right, that’s kind of the whole point… Could I rest in perfect peace because I trust the God who wrote this story long before I was born? Did I believe He would be with me if we lost another baby? Did I believe He is still good if we had to say another premature goodbye? I called to schedule another ultrasound for the following Tuesday. When my husband preached that week, I had to fight hard to keep my shoulders still as I wept… IN CHURCH (gasp!)!! But I couldn’t hold it in. I knew God was telling ME not to fear. I could trust Him and His plans for me and this baby and I could make it to Tuesday before we got to actually see how baby was doing. This time the tears flowed when we heard that swishing, fast heart beat and watched our little peanut wiggle all over. We needed the refill! Baby was still alive and kicking and I was still an emotional mess of a hormonal pregnant mama.

After this ultrasound we decided it was time to tell the girls, which meant I needed to be ready for EVERYONE to know. But it would explain to our very observant Emma why mama’s belly seemed to be getting bigger (because let’s be real, baby #3 at nearly 12 weeks is hard to hide). These pictures are the girls’ reactions to the news (photo cred: Stephanie P).

All along I’d been convincing myself not to get my hopes up that we would have another biological child, but it was becoming harder and harder. I was starting to get excited. I was starting to think this might really happen. Talk about emotional roller coaster. My husband has dealt with so much of my up and down, back and forth, trust and fear, faithfully praying for me and our little one. He’s a keeper. In the weeks following this ultrasound, more people were made aware of our coming addition and were SO very excited. Honestly, I had a hard time dealing with the excitement of other people because all I could think every time someone beamed another “congratulations” at me was that it would be one more person who would have to deal with another loss, if that happened. Obviously this is connected to when we lost Josiah. Our whole church mourned and wept with us and came alongside us so well, but one of the biggest lessons I had to learn through that was to be willing to be the recipient of help and prayer and love. NOT my natural tendency. I’m a strong, smart, capable woman and I’VE GOT THIS. Psh. This time around I’ve been so hesitant to be excited that I think I’ve missed out on so much of the joy. I’m thankful that others have been excited from the day they found out, even if I was still fighting to believe it could really happen.

Once I made it to fourteen weeks and five days (the age Josiah was when he stopped growing), it felt like I was watching every second of the day tick by. My next midwife appointment wasn’t until I was sixteen weeks so I just had to wait and pray and hope and trust (like women have been doing for centuries!) that it would go well. I still had the image in my mind of the midwife searching for Josiah’s heartbeat on the Doppler when I was eighteen weeks along with him. She never found it and that was the start of me realizing that all the weird little things about his pregnancy were indicators that it wasn’t going well. This time the midwife searched briefly, found that heartbeat, and let me listen. To her, it was routine. To me, it was a miracle. This baby made it past Josiah’s age. This baby might actually live. I might start feeling this baby moving soon!

After this appointment, we could set up an ultrasound to find out the gender of our little one. Again, bad memories and difficult images were etched in my mind as we planned and went for this ultrasound. I’d been telling myself for months that I was probably having another girl because I probably can’t have boys. I’d even started telling my husband and others that I thought we were having another girl. I’d begun looking at baby girl names because we’ve had a whole list of boy names forever, but girl names always seemed hard for us to agree on. Imagine my shock when baby happily cooperated with the ultrasound technician and revealed a VERY different ultrasound than we’d previously seen! Before the tech revealed the gender both my husband and I looking at the ultrasound thought to ourselves “Wait a minute….. is that….. a…..?” BOY!!!!! Holy moly. That’s definitely a boy! We’re having another son!

I still can’t describe how I felt in that moment. Shocked? Amazed? Excited? All the emotions all at once? Alice and Emma both said they wanted a baby sister. They’d had Little Dude as their baby brother for 8 months now and were apparently ready for a change. Uh, sorry girls? We decided to buy some boy onesies for our July baby BOY and let the girls unwrap them to reveal his gender. I sort of expected Emma to say “NO!” and start wailing, but they were ridiculously sweet. They are SO excited to have a baby brother and just want him to hurry up and get here.

July is still four months away, so I don’t even know the end of this story yet! I feel like every day the Lord is challenging and convicting me and teaching me to relax and trust Him. The emotional roller coaster seems to be evening out (ish) and I’m feeling our little man wiggling around inside me every day. Sleep is getting harder as my body adjusts to this big belly, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. All these things mean my boy is growing. We will meet him soon and it will be hard, but so so worth it.

One of my fears has been that I would put a son in the place of God. After praying that God would give us a son, being afraid to even want a son and then finding out we were going to have a son, another Isaiah sermon brought Isaiah 43:6 to my attention: “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.” In context, this verse is God speaking to the people of Israel, but the Sunday that we read it in church it hit me: God loves ME. He really, truly loves ME and has gone to great lengths to show me that He loves ME. I’ve been a Christian since I was sixteen and I’ve “known” this a long time, but over the years came to believe more in a God who wanted to judge me for my sins (which are many). As a sinner who deserves nothing, God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and then conquered Satan, sin and death by rising from the grave three days later. I’ve told myself for years that I don’t deserve any good thing in my life, but I think I missed a very essential aspect of God’s character in the meantime. The God I serve loves me enough to bring me through losing two babies, hear my heart’s desire when I was afraid to utter it to Him, and grant me that desire at the moment I least expected it. He spent YEARS patiently orchestrating events to teach me that He loves me and wants to give good gifts to me, as His child. In the weeks following this sermon, the Lord has continued reminding me that He loves me and that He has given me what I need for today to trust Him and love those around me. I still don’t know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future and I know He is faithful and good and trustworthy and He hears and knows and loves me. What more have I to fear? He has been my salvation and I cannot wait for the day when I see Jesus face to face in heaven. Oh what a day that will be!

Beauty from Ashes (Part 1)

It’s hard to know where to begin writing about something that has been in process for years, but since I process better through writing, I finally decided to write this all out. My purpose isn’t to glorify myself or our circumstances, but to point others to the Lord. He has so patiently met me and taught me in my weakest moments and revealed to me more and more of His character in this process. There’s some pretty raw stuff in here as I've sought to be open, but please understand that I am not glorifying my sin, or seeking approval from others. I’ve been talking more and more with other women and new moms lately, sharing parts of this story at times, and have felt convinced that I should share how God has worked in my life and what He has patiently taught me so others can love and serve Him better and know they aren't alone in their struggles. For those who take the time to read this (as it will likely be quite long), I hope it encourages you to seek the Lord and never give up asking Him for the desires of your heart. I hope it challenges you to lean on Him each and every day, knowing He is good and he never leaves or forsakes His children. I hope it reminds you that He is worthy of ALL of your trust and that it is good to fight to believe He is trustworthy. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I hope this gets you thinking and wondering about the God I serve, the God of the Bible, Maker of Heaven and Earth and YOU and ME. He is not far off or distant and wants us to run to Him and know Him through His Word.

The story starts long before this, but I’ll begin with the birth of my first daughter: Alice. I had a very hard time bonding with her. I didn’t feel the immediate adoration that I’d heard of and thought I’d seen again and again in other moms. I felt lost, confused… pressure. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t just “fall in love” with my daughter. I figured something must be wrong with ME for feeling this way and was too scared and prideful to let anyone into my whirlwind of a world. I pushed my church family away because I felt ashamed that I didn’t simply “get” motherhood. I pushed my husband away because he didn’t know how to help. I pushed God away for “making” me go back to work full-time when I clearly needed to figure out what I was doing. It was a rough start to parenting.

By the time Alice’s first birthday rolled around, I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. We were excited. I was scared. It felt like Emma’s first year of life I was constantly asking myself “WHAT DID I DO?!?” While bonding with Emma came a bit easier, largely due to feeling less guilty since I was home with our two girls, it certainly wasn’t easy having her plugged into the wall for the first week of her life as her tiny body fought jaundice. Those lights (baby spatulas, as we came to call them) were incredibly frustrating and disheartening and I wondered if I could really do this whole thing again when I already felt like a failure of a mother. Clearly I lacked something really motherly-important because these two beautiful girls God had entrusted to me felt like more of an inconvenience or disruption than a blessing or gift from Him. I just wanted to sleep! I just wanted my body back! I just wanted some quiet! Once again, I pushed God away and tried to muster up all the motherliness I possibly could.

Not surprisingly, I became the kind of mom I never wanted to be: easily frustrated, unhappy and often losing my temper and yelling at little people who had expectations placed on them that were beyond unrealistic. So when I found out I was pregnant for the third time, just after Emma’s second birthday, I wasn’t excited at all. I dreaded “how I could do this” and prayed that God would somehow work out all the obstacles that I saw in our lives before we could have three children. He answered my prayer, but certainly not the way I’d hoped or expected. Josiah Nathanael, our first son, quietly slipped away and met Jesus face to face long before we said goodbye. I watched my husband process by reading God’s Word so often that I wondered if he was really actually “processing” the grief. But I realized that he didn’t know what else to do, just like me, so he clung to the Lord. Blissfully aware of my bias, I’m sure my husband is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, but he’s not God. It hit me that I’d been putting God-sized expectations on my husband, when that was clearly never his role. So, he led me by quiet example and I quietly followed. Those days and weeks were a blur of tears and guilt and hiding myself under the shadow of the wings of my Great Comforter. I became determined not to push God away after loss when I had pushed Him away after blessings. Since I had no clue what to do with this “determination,” I read and listened to God’s Word a whole stinking lot. I focused on the promises that He hadn’t left me, He comforts and He gives us a future hope. I memorized and frequently recited to myself a handful of bible passages and prayed earnestly for another son. I so badly wanted to see the kind of little boy we would have and watch the man I adore raise a son to be just like him. Yet I saw myself as the “weak link” in our family. My husband loved our girls so well, right from the start, and here I was, ruining them. I also began thinking more and more about foster care, though wasn’t fully convinced I could do it.

As the year drew to a close, we did begin to seriously pray about fostering and started an initial application, only to find out weeks later that I was pregnant again, which brought foster certification to a screeching halt. After losing Josiah and having never “felt” pregnant with him, I was very sensitive to the lack of pregnancy symptoms this time around. I never felt sure this baby would live and was less surprised when my intuition proved correct. Baby #4 never got a name from us and never grew past six weeks. While this loss was less unexpected for me, it was much harder in some ways. Not many knew of this loss, so I felt more compelled to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine. I became convinced that our second loss was also a boy and maybe I couldn’t have boys. Maybe there really was something more “wrong” with me than I thought and I needed to focus on thanking God for the healthy girls He already gave me and pursue becoming a foster mom. As we processed through our grief and attempted to help our girls do the same, we talked and prayed more and more about fostering. It seemed like the question that constantly entered my mind was “why SHOULDN’T we foster?” instead of my previous “why SHOULD we foster?” Up to this point I’d thought we needed to have a special draw towards it, or have always wanted to do it. As we prayed and waited, the Lord was patiently teaching me that I wasn’t the “weak link” because He had already made me new through Jesus. God had provided a three-bedroom condo for us to rent at a price well below market value (with my very own WASHER AND DRYER!) and provided a minivan for us. He had plans and they weren’t finished. He continued growing me in my relationships with my girls and even now keeps reminding me that He gives me what I need each day, each hour, each minute… if I just ASK!

We pursued foster certification even as I wrestled with feeling as though I had somehow failed my husband by not giving him a son. And then I would feel guilty like somehow my girls were a consolation prize. How awful. Meanwhile those two girls were (and still are!) growing into caring, considerate, fun-loving, beautiful young ladies. I can’t imagine our family without my best little “helpers.” Yet, I still wrestled back and forth between feeling a failure and the guilt but was too afraid to continue asking God to give us a son. I thought maybe I could have another daughter, but we just needed to be content and thankful without a son. In hindsight, I think I was too afraid to ask God for a son because I didn’t believe He could be THAT good or THAT loving. After all, I’d known plenty of women who had struggled with infertility and prayed for years (some are still praying) for healing and a child. Here I was with two healthy girls, struggling to love them well, and discontent with the blessings God had given me. I believed God loved me, but didn’t owe me a single answered prayer, least of all for a son I would likely ruin!

After the summer, our foster certification process really began and we accepted our first short-term placement of a sibling set in April. It was NOT pretty. I realized then that we weren’t in a place to foster a sibling set, so we changed our profile to singletons. Our second placement only lasted eight days, but our third placement began just a few hours after #2 was reunified with his parents. Little Dude came to us June 15, 2016, one month before his first birthday and weighing in at 27 pounds. He had the longest eyelashes I’d ever seen and was a pretty easy-going baby from the start. However, his easy-going temperament didn’t change the wrestling in my heart. I found myself resenting him for being born. How ridiculous I feel just writing that! He and I have gone up and down on this roller coaster of grief and foster care unknowns. There were days, sometimes weeks, when getting through a day with him felt only barely possible.

During this time we began studying the book of Isaiah at church. It felt like every week we were talking about trusting God and every week I would cry and beg God to help me truly trust Him: most especially for our family and the number of children we would have, biological or adopted. Little Dude and I would have some good days and some bad days, but we were getting used to each other. Part of God’s working through the Isaiah series was regarding my attempt to control the timing of another possible pregnancy. The Lord kept challenging me that He was the one in control all along, no matter what I did that made me feel like I had set my plans in motion. So we stopped preventing pregnancy. Having gotten pregnant four times before without any issues or delays, I anticipated a positive test the very next month. How little I had learned about Who was really in control! Several months went by and each month, with every new sermon in Isaiah, I cried and prayed that I would trust God in the waiting and remember that He alone is the Author and Sustainer of life. Isaiah 26:3 grabbed my heart during this time: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Oh, how I longed for that perfect peace! Yet here I was, anxious and wishing somehow I could just know what was ahead. Will I ever have another biological child? Will I be a failure of a wife that couldn’t have the four children we hoped and planned for?

Then October came. October has historically been a difficult month since I moved to California as I miss my formerly treasured autumns in New England, but now I mourn the loss of Josiah and his little brother or sister because they weren’t born that month. Coupled with the Isaiah series and a handful of other (perfectly orchestrated) events, I was so glad to finally enter November and put the emotional mess behind me. But that’s when we saw the positive test!

It's 2013

Most people have lots going on during December and we are no exception. This year we were able to visit my family on the East coast for almost two weeks. It feels like we've been going non-stop, but I've also had so much in my mind that actually writing it down seemed near impossible. I'm back to normal life these days, which reminded me that we have a blog!

Emma is ONE year old. I realize I'm a little late posting about this since her birthday was the 16th. Ten days. Not so bad. At her one year appointment on Monday she weighed a whopping 18.3 lbs, putting her in the 8th percentile. The pediatrician finally acknowledged that, yes, she's just petite. Believe it or not, he wasn't telling me anything new.

Alice and Emma have also begun taking simultaneous naps, meaning Emma's only doing one nap a day. I'm loving the time to read my bible without distraction and then simply enjoy the quiet. As of Sunday they've been napping in the same room, which was only successful for one day and then has been somewhat of a battle... until today! It didn't occur to me until today that maybe if Emma had already succumbed to her exhaustion when Alice got in her bed they wouldn't distract each other from falling asleep. Worked like a charm. Emma took way less time to fall asleep than normal, which meant Alice was tired enough after waiting for Emma to fall asleep that she got right in bed and fell asleep quickly. Love when parenting efforts "work."

Can't seem to decide lately which book to read, so I'm reading three at a time (four if you count the one Andrew & I are reading together). Today has been Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic. It's concise and often feels like someone just dumped a cup of ice water over my head. The chapter I just read is called "Watch Your Language." Here's a sample of what I mean about the ice water:

Another way in which we can do damage to ourselves is through the use of totally innocent words that we use to allow ourselves something. I remember thinking sometimes when the twins were little that I had better stop being overwhelmed... God gave me this to do. I may not be overwhelmed about it. I can try as hard as I can, and maybe fail sometimes. I can try as hard as I can and fall asleep at the dinner table. I can try as hard as I can and be completely burned out at the end of the day. But I may not be overwhelmed. Actually, I may be overwhelmed, but I may not say that I am overwhelmed! The words have a real power over us. If you say it, you allow it for yourself. You give yourself that little bit of room to say, "But I can't!"... Deciding not to say it is different than never actually being in over your head. But God loves a cheerful worker. I am still frequently in over my head. Actually, most of the time! But deciding not to wallow in that fact has removed one of the biggest obstacles to my work--my own calculations of how hard the job is.

I probably could have quoted the whole chapter. For any of you out there who are moms of little ones, this books is a MUST read. This chapter was a longer one, 5 pages, so it's easy to read a chapter in between diaper changing and reading a book to your toddler, for example :-)

And now that it's quiet around here (assuming I choose to block out the thumping music from next door), I will read my bible! Happy Saturday!

And then it hit me...

Alice is TWO AND A HALF YEARS OLD today. Her favorite thing lately is "Mama, play? Mama, play?" which means she wants me to chase her, let her get away, hide, wait for her to come looking for me and then jump out and scare her. Like really scare her. It's best if she thinks I'm in one place and then I catch her from behind. She freaks out and throws herself into my arms and says "Again?" Okay, in all honesty it sounds more like "Mama, pay?" and "Na?"

When we're driving somewhere Alice likes to point out all the vehicles she sees, and sounds genuinely surprised when she sees anything that she can tell me about (which is constantly). She says "Oh! White car! Oh! Green car! Oh! Orange truck! Oh! Blue bus!" This, however, also requires a trained ear because it sounds more like "Ah! Whitey daw! Ah! Deen daw! Ah! Ahn duh! Ah! Boo buh!" And I'd prefer this over the constant "Doh! Doh! Doh!" (translation: "Go! Go! Go!") every time I'm stopped at a red light. We're trying to explain that when the light is red we have to stop and wait patiently (read: QUIETLY) for it to turn green, at which point we may proceed. It's a process.

We've taken a step backwards in potty training. Up to the last month or so Alice would periodically get on the toilet herself. Now she screams like I'm causing her bodily harm if I try to... gasp... put her on the potty! So my brilliant attempt at moving away from this tonight was to offer stickers. I put one on her hand after she used the potty and then taped a piece of paper on the door for her to put another sticker on. Yeah, that was pretty much the end of the world. Tantrum galore. Once she finally calmed down I explained that the paper will stay there for her to put another sticker on when she uses the potty again. Another tantrum. Oi. Then came the book-reading distraction. So thankful that sometimes distractions still work on this girl.

Emma will be TEN months on Friday. She's still comfortably wearing her 6 month sized clothes. A few 3 month items still fit too. BUT, there are some 9 month sized clothes that don't completely drown her! She's quite petite. And I love it. I'm thankful that my first baby was on the "bigger" side so both Andrew & I could get used to a baby without worrying about breaking her. And I'm thankful that my second baby is on the "smaller" side because I'm not worried that I'm doing something wrong based on her size. She's just little.

But her size does not slow her down at all. She's constantly on the move, looking for something else to put in her mouth. Today she figured out how to climb up the stairs and then was laughing hysterically watching Alice go up and down ahead of her. So cute. Emma is really starting to enjoy watching and learning from her big sister. She also responds incredibly well to Alice's "hugs" which may be more accurately described as "tackles."

Pictures from the first half-ish of November here. This includes Emma's first time meeting Grandpa Bill & Mimi. So fun!

Tonight they enjoyed their second bath together in the big tub. Emma LOVES when Alice splashes and Alice loves that her own splashing encourages Emma to join in. Stark contrast to the usual Alice repeatedly wrenching toy after toy from Emma's grasp exclaiming "Mine!" and causing the most horrible wail to escape from an otherwise mild-tempered baby. Ah, motherhood. Wouldn't trade this for the world.

Ten Day Forecast

Shows NO temperatures in the 90s! In fact there are FOUR days with the high in the 70s. SO THANKFUL.

Lately I keep thinking that being a parent (especially of young children-since I don't know what it's like to be a parent of older children) is more about teaching me patience and consistency than it is about actually teaching my children anything. This isn't a new revelation, just back in my mind for the ba-zillionth time. Sure, I'd like to think that on some level they are learning obedience which will some day teach them how to be respectful to any authority God places over them; but really I'm realizing that I still have a long way to go in becoming Christ-like. A. Long. Way.

Why is it so hard to show people that I don't have it all together? What is it about appearing "in control" that is so important? In talking with other moms who are willing to be open about their own struggles, I have yet to find ANYONE who has it all together. There are days that go great, but everyone has those days that they want to pretend didn't happen. It could be the kids were absolute disasters, or it could be that I had a horrible (SINFUL) attitude and took it out on those I love most.

I don't know how to balance sharing my struggles in a productive, please-pray-for-me sort of way. I don't know how to say that it's hard and I fail and sometimes I don't like my kids without it sounding like complaining. I don't want people to feel like they have to tell me to "hang in there" (because, really, what does that even mean?) or "this too shall pass." If I'm honest with myself, I know it won't be like this forever. I want to be able to look back on these times with fondness rather than thinking "Phew! I made it!"

I want to be able to encourage others that are a few steps behind me in this raising-a-family business. I want to listen, really listen, when another young mom is sharing her own struggles. I want to tell her that I've been there and there is a way to please God in the midst of it. I want to remind her to find ways to be thankful and to dwell on the good things. It's way too easy to find things to complain about or make my life seem hardest or to think no one understands. In fact, my life is not the hardest and my God has abundantly blessed me and HE understands.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" (1 Cor. 10:13).

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).

Cookies?

I just looked at the calendar and said "Holy moly! Where did this month go?" I think this will happen more and more as I get older and my children grow. I remember being a kid and thinking that a day took FOREVER. Granted, that was on Christmas Eve when I was anticipating opening presents in the morning. But still. I guess a day when I was eight was a larger percentage of my life than a day when I'm 28.

So. I'm way more sleep deprived than normal, if that explains anything. Alice was sick from Friday night until Sunday-ish, throwing up and slightly fever-ish. No fun. We had driven up to visit grandma & grandpa for the weekend too. It was kind of a bummer, but I'm still so thankful I was there instead of home while Andrew was in Mexico. Being alone taking care of a puking toddler and a three month old for a weekend would have been... rough. Yes, very rough.

Other news: Emma is a real person now! She has a social security number AND we finally got her birth certificate. I was prompted to get my act together and get it when I won a monetary prize because I have a daughter named Emma. Funny, they want proof before sending money. I guess that's okay.

Andrew had his spring break two weeks ago, which he determined was a good time to have mouth surgery to remove an infection. He goes back this Thursday for a follow up appointment, but things seem to be healing nicely. He showed it to me a few times. I had to look away and make him stop talking about it so I didn't toss my cookies. Ew.

We took some ridiculously cute pictures of Alice & Emma for Easter. You should check them out if you haven't already seen them on Facebook. But if you've already seen them on Facebook, there's no shame in looking at them again here.

Alice is almost two.
Emma has started laughing.
I still really love being a stay-at-home mom.

The Bible, Bibs and Boxes

This morning Alice and I enjoyed a cup of tea and read the Bible together. True, hers was a sippy and she didn't share much of the actual reading, but it was an excellent way to start our day. I think I'd like to make a habit of this with her, especially since I can't enjoy my own cup of tea without her wanting some. I figured it's probably better to just plan to share it with her and make the most of the time she sits and gulps it down. So, ask me how it's going in a few days or weeks...

Her new favorite thing is emptying the drawer of bibs and "packing" them into different boxes. Yes, we have a drawer dedicated to bibs with a few oven mitts sharing the space. I suppose Alice has seen mommy packing boxes quite a bit and wants to help. But, the bibs don't stay packed. We'll see how she likes it when they DO stay packed. I'll just have to make sure I know where they are so I can make a new bib drawer for her to discover ASAP. She's rounding out the second hour of her nap (YAY!) and I'm looking at a living room strewn with probably 30 bibs as I bounce Emma in her seat using my foot. What a life :-)

We've now got five days until the move, but really only four left to pack. Wow. Haven't thought of it in those terms until now. Today I've gotten three boxes packed. Part of the problem is the loud tape dispenser. I think I just need to put together a bunch of boxes (most of them are flat at the moment) while everyone's awake. Then I can pack while Emma sleeps and tape the boxes closed once she wakes again. In theory, that should work. We'll see how the next four days go.

Well, Alice must have sensed that I was noticing how long she'd been asleep because she's awake now. And Emma is falling asleep. I guess I won't be taping boxes just yet.

And I love this weather.

Moving

As I mentioned in the last post, we're moving. It's less than two weeks away now and thanks to my wonderful husband and my awesome mom-in-law, we have started packing! Last week we finally were able to go into a two bedroom apartment at the complex we're moving to. It wasn't our apartment, but it had the same (actually mirror image) floor plan. We took measurements so I could make my graph paper, to-scale apartment drawing. Yes, I'm that cool. I do this with every apartment and have made little cut outs of each piece of furniture we own (which are also to scale) so I can "rearrange" the rooms without actually moving anything heavy. I think it's smart, but some think it's a little OCD. I'm okay with that.

The night before we measured the apartment I could hardly sleep because I was so anxious about our furniture fitting. The night after we measured the apartment I could hardly sleep because I was so anxious about our furniture fitting--it apparently didn't fit. The night after the night after we measured the apartment I could hardly sleep because I was so anxious about our furniture fitting--we might have found a way.

Three nights of interrupted, unsettled sleep is not good. Then I got two more nights of less-than-good sleep while attending our church's women's retreat. Silly me, I thought bringing Emma wouldn't be a big deal. Oi.

Today Emma got her first round of vaccines and turned into a NIGHTMARE this afternoon, fever and all. Alice was a peach too. Granted, I got more sleep last night than the whole weekend combined; but it's interesting what two screaming babies will do to a severely sleep-deprived person.

Okay. I cried.

But the Lord keeps bringing to mind Philippians 4:6-7...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Honestly, I haven't had much peace in the past week. The retreat this weekend was all about finding Joy in the Journey. What I heard of it (when Emma cooperated) challenged me to look for the joy of each day, even when at the end of that day my head is pounding and I can't remember if I ate or drank anything at all. At the end of those days I'm blessed to have two beautiful girls who are growing and learning and giving their mommy so many reasons to smile. And I have a hard-working husband who sacrificially gives us everything he's got. So after we get both girls to bed and he's got homework to do, we decide tonight is a good night for a card game.

He's going down.

He Knows

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:8-14

This passage came to mind as I was thinking about the last several rough nights with Emma. Yesterday I felt like I was at the end of my rope and then last night Emma slept, ate, and slept again like a champ! I know sleep won't fix a bad attitude, but I'm pretty sure it gives me more patience. It also helps me to see and appreciate how the Lord is at work in our growing family--and in my own heart. He is merciful and gracious and compassionate and doesn't treat us as we "deserve." I don't "deserve" to have easy days raising these girls, but He gives them to me joyfully and lovingly. He also lovingly gives the hard days to me as He desires for me to be made more like His Son. No, that's not the first thing in my mind at the end of a hard day, but He is faithful to teach me and remind me. Praise the Lord!

Something in the Air...

Emma is in her bouncy seat, where she's been for almost two hours. Alice is in her crib, where she's been for almost an hour and a half. The difference? Alice is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF and Emma is sleeping.

I just found myself wondering "Did God create screaming or is it a result of the fall?"

Plus Two

If you've been reading our blog since before kids, thank you! Also, you may (or may not) have noticed that as we've added kids, the blog name changed from "The Happy Couple" to "The Happy Couple +1" and now "The Happy Couple +2." Yes, we are now blessed with two little girls. Right now, I can honestly say they are a blessing, though there are certainly times when I lose sight of that.

Lately I've been realizing that I had NO idea what it would be like having two kids under two. While mine are certainly no more difficult (or easy) than many others that have experienced the same thing, it's stinking hard. Even on the "good" days, it's hard. On the "bad" days, it's REALLY hard. But God is faithful. I won't say I've always responded well in the midst of two screaming children and a month's worth of sleep deprivation under my belt; but I know the Lord is with me. Sometimes I just want to scream back at them and accomplish absolutely nothing. Yet there have been so many things that the Lord has provided to help me keep my sanity: my mom, my mom-in-law & dad-in-law, women at my church, good friends... baby gear where I can leave my baby safely while I step away from her wailing... But most importantly, and most wonderfully (second only to Jesus) the Lord has given me my husband. I am incredibly blessed to have a husband who patiently sacrifices himself and his desires to help his wife on days when she feels like she's lost it. Even if he has to stay up even later to finish a sermon or Hebrew homework, he'll help me get Alice to bed or hold Emma in a number of different positions to keep her calm so I can get a little break. Not only does he help with the girls, but he also helps keep our apartment clean when he can. He prays for me, encourages me, loves me, and seeks to follow Jesus' example in all he does. I know this makes him sound pretty amazing (which he is), but he's not perfect--just perfect for me.

But again I say, having two kids under two is hard. I can't imagine how women have multiples (twins, triplets?? HOLY COW!) or more than two that are very close in age. How do you make a phone call? How do you get dinner ready? How do you manage to clean the bathrooms or vacuum or dust? How do you grocery shop or run other errands? Right now those are ALL things that are falling by the wayside in my life and I just have two. Whenever they both sleep at the same time (rarely), the ONLY thing I want to do is sleep. I keep reminding myself that this stage will not last forever. Alice is learning to talk more, which will help tremendously. Eventually, I'm sure, Emma's wailing for hours and hours will go away. Things will settle down and we'll get a routine and I'll love being a mom of two girls that are so close in age. Right now I don't always love it and sometimes I think it'd be "easier" to get a job outside the home and let someone else go through these days other than me. But then I remember how badly I wanted to be home with Alice when I couldn't be. And God reminds me that THIS is a high calling--to raise these two little girls. I pray they will come to know Jesus as their Savior at a young age. I pray that they will follow Him faithfully throughout their lives and go where He leads. I pray that on the days when I want to throw something or scream that God would remind me that He's there, leading me as I seek to follow Him faithfully throughout my life. I pray that I don't look at this stage of life as something to "get through," but see each day and every breath as a gift from God and find joy in knowing He's using this to make me more like Jesus.

Count Your Blessings

Emma is here. Actually, she's been here for three weeks today. It's gone by really fast, but at the same time I still wonder, "When will we sleep again?" I think all parents with new babies think this, so we are certainly no exception.

Normally we would have our community group Bible study meeting here in a little over an hour, but we cancelled it. Andrew started school last week and Alice & I are (still) sick. Needless to say, we could all use a bit of a break. Please pray for us! It's often hard to have a good attitude and remember that the Lord has a plan for all the challenges--especially when you haven't slept properly in quite a while.

I do want to say that I have a wonderful, patient, hard-working, self-sacrificing husband who challenges me every day with his diligence and love for the Lord and his wife and his two little girls. He's not perfect. He makes mistakes. He doesn't always say the "right" things, but he tries SO hard to love his sinful wife. I am blessed. I don't deserve him. Days like today are good days to remember how blessed I am.

Moms, Should I Force Her to Eat?

I need opinions/experienced moms to chime in here.

Alice seems to be going through a "reverse" growth spurt... at least that's what I'm calling it. She goes through phases where she eats whatever I put in front of her without a problem. Her current phase, however, requires me to pinch/pull her ear and tell her to open her mouth... with EVERY bite, no matter what I'm feeding her. I was attempting to hold her head and that was just hard to do. She turns her head and rests it on her shoulder away from the food. The ear pinch/pull has been most effective. Occasionally I can get her to "help mommy" by holding the fork/spoon with me and getting it into her mouth. Once in a while I just need to touch her ear slightly and she'll open her mouth. Most of the time I have to get her by the ear and (attempt to) patiently tell her to open her mouth and eat her food. If I give her finger food, she eats some and then plays with it and makes a HUGE mess or throws it on the floor.

Mind you, her meals have been significantly smaller because I can only force feed her so much. PLUS, if she doesn't eat a good sized meal at breakfast/lunch/dinner, she wants to snack all day. She does have a fairly regular "snack" after she wakes up from her nap in the afternoon. A typical eating schedule for her is breakfast at 8/8:30, lunch at noon, nap time from 1-3ish, snack around 4, dinner at 6. One book I read said that you shouldn't be concerned about what your toddler eats in ONE day, but look at the content of their meals over 2-3 days. Clearly that's not intended for a pregnant mommy who can hardly remember at lunch time what SHE ate for breakfast, let alone what her daughter ate two days ago. Do I really need to keep a food journal for my 19 month old??

So.... Do I continue the route I'm going, trying to get her to eat a decent meal at "meal time"? Should I let her dictate being all done and then not feed her snacks when she wants them so she'll eat a better meal at the next meal time? Do I just go with whatever and let her snack here and there throughout the day? No one ever tells you about these kinds of things before you become a mom. I guess I wouldn't have been that interested in hearing it before I had a child. Funny how that works. But seriously, I'd love to know what others have done or even if you're going through the same thing with your toddler... What has worked for you???

Three days til Christmas! And just for fun, here's a really cute picture of my two favorite people :-D

Back to School... Part-time!

Andrew/Happy is back in school, hence the new background. He started classes on Wednesday and is taking Educational Ministry in the Church and Hebrew. Two classes, as opposed to his full-time load of at least three. Then again, Hebrew is a three unit class that really should count as four since he's in class four hours each week, and the other class is another three unit class. He's going to have plenty to keep him busy. Please pray for good time management and perseverance! We're looking towards a Spring 2013 graduation date, Lord-willing.

We had our big ultrasound on Monday and everything is looking great. The only real news to report is that Caleb is actually Emma! Turns out our doctor was a little ambitious when I was 12 weeks (that's VERY early) in predicting a boy. Although I did think I was having a boy, I had a weird dream less than a week before the ultrasound that "Caleb" came early and was a girl. Very strange. In my dream I panicked because we didn't have a middle name. We still don't have a middle name, but have a few ideas. We'd like to have some kind of biblical significance in the first or middle (or both) name of each of our children... So if you're dying to pass on a suggestion, that might help guide you. We've had a handful of people suggest Emma Rose. Apparently that sounds good to lots of people.

Another SUPER exciting thing... I went to a free couponing class last night hosted by the OC Register and am really excited to get started. Just need the coupons now... I was pretty hyped up about it last night and my poor (and wonderful) husband had to listen to me go on and on about how much money we can save and the different methods. I'm such a nerd.

Alice is finally ready to be done with her nap, though she's been awake and playing for 40 minutes! Love that girl. Some day I'll get better at posting pictures. First I have to take them. Turns out Alice is just about as photogenic as her Grandpa Gilmore. Anyone who knows him will understand what that means, but if you don't... I'll just say, Alice doesn't quite yet know how to smile at a camera and keep her eyes open! Have a lovely weekend!

The Nursery (Take 2)

As I was going through Caleb's clothing (well, really it's Alice's gender neutral clothing that she's handing down to her brother) again today, it occurred to me that I don't remember this eager anticipation feeling with Alice. Perhaps there was more fear of the unknown with her arrival... maybe with the overshadowing of going back to work after maternity leave... not to mention nursing for the first time... Anyway, I've had some MAJOR nesting "symptoms," if that's what you call it. The latest was the purchase of a glider with matching ottoman from craigslist. I decided it would be good to have since I had been standing and rocking Alice to bed at night. As she is now around 25lbs and my belly is getting more and more prominent (had a stranger ask me today if I was expecting #2), holding her like that is HARD. Sitting and rocking with her is easier.

All that to say, we made the purchase on Saturday and I spent the rest of the day moving around and redecorating Alice's/soon-to-be also Caleb's room. I'm such a dork. I was most proud of myself for not purchasing anything new (aside from the obvious chair & ottoman) in my redecorating. Not to mention, the blanket my mom knit for Alice (which I LOVE) is now out in plain view, along with the beautiful quilt made by a very talented lady in my church (which I also LOVE). I then spent much of Monday sorting all of Alice's baby clothes and reorganizing her closet. The nursery is ready. Now I just need another baby to add to it!

Love Mondays

Yesterday was the first Monday that I haven't been working, Happy's been home, and NOTHING else was happening for the entire day! It was a very excellent day, especially having been followed by two partial days of nothing else happening. While I do enjoy doing things and seeing people, I also REALLY appreciate having nothing scheduled. We ran a few random errands and went for a long afternoon walk. Just a relaxing not-much-happening sort of day with my husband and our little girl. I am so blessed.

Today was also a very good day, though very different from Monday. Started the day with breakfast for Alice & mommy and then Alice blessed mommy with another blueberry poo (She really likes blueberries and we have some that need to be eaten. When you don't have much variety in your diet and you take care of business in a diaper... It's messy). Then Alice had some great playpen time during which mommy was able to take a shower. We spent the morning reading and re-reading the same 6-7 books, folding & putting away laundry, and playing with her obnoxiously loud ball-popping contraption (which, of course, she loves). After lunch, Alice took a good long nap and mommy got some more laundry done and did some tidying of the mess that had been made earlier. Mommy also got to catch up on emails and plan dinner. Once Alice woke up, around 2:45, it was back to reading books until I had to start dinner and get it cooking so we could bring it to daddy before 5. Actually, I was shooting for 4:30 but it was closer to 5. Ah well. We ate dinner in Happy's office, came home, then went for a long walk. Alice lost the battle towards the end and fell asleep for 5-10 minutes before we got home. After walking around the apartment complex for 15 minutes, we came back home, gave Alice a bath & bottle and then put her to bed. She's been asleep for almost an hour and I'm about ready to fall asleep in this chair. Time to wash dishes and then off to bed for this tired pregnant mommy! I love being a stay-at-home mom :-)