Today is the last day I will have your tiny, three-inch body inside mine. You have probably been in heaven for over a month, without any pain or tears. We miss you already and are sad to have so few memories with you, but praise the Lord that He has rescued you from this world. You are healed and we so look forward to meeting you when the Lord calls us home as well.
I decided, though, that I needed to tell you how God is using you so mightily in my life. On Feb. 15, 2014, I took an at-home pregnancy test which, to my shock and dismay, told me your little life had begun. I was scared and didn't feel ready for another baby, but mostly caught up in what we lacked materially: insurance, a car that could fit three car seats... and I didn't want to be pregnant for my sister's (your Aunt Lisa's) wedding on April 5, or during the hottest part of summer. So I missed out on treasuring some of my time with you because of my own selfishness and fear and lack of trust. My first trimester with you was much unlike my pregnancies with Alice and Emma because I hardly felt sick at all. I felt very hungry though! I also thought you were a boy from very early on and began dreaming about seeing your daddy, Andrew (though some call him "Happy") with his first son.
Sure enough, the ultrasound on April 18 confirmed that belief: God had given us a son! I will never forget the look on your proud daddy's face as he took my hand and squeezed, as if to say, "I just can't wait to meet my son!!" But you didn't move during that ultrasound. They said you had a heartbeat, but we never heard it. You probably left your body not long after that. I had a nagging doubt in me after that ultrasound and thought I wasn't growing as I should be. I didn't want to believe we could lose you so soon, but God had other plans. As I dreamed and imagined welcoming a little boy in October, you were already rejoicing in heaven.
On the fourth birthday of your big sister, Alice, I started spotting. It was Tuesday and my next appointment with the midwife was Thursday so I waited and rested and prayed that we would hear your little heart beating. We didn't hear you on the Doppler and couldn't get an ultrasound until the next day at 4 pm. The midwife said my uterus was small and that she thought you were already gone. Friday's ultrasound confirmed that you only grew to about 13 or 14 weeks and then left your little body for a much more wonderful home. Because it was already late in the day, we weren't able to meet with the doctor or schedule any procedure to take you out of me. At first I was impatient, asking God why so much delay? But on my last day with your tiny shell I've come to see that our great God never makes mistakes. He knew the number of your days. He knew the pain we would feel at losing you. He knew and He knows now what lies ahead.
We will never forget you, our precious, healed, gift from God! We will always love you, yet our love is only a pin prick compared to the love of the God who made you and welcomed you into heaven. He has not left us alone, but has been our ever-present help in this time of need. His mercies have been new every morning and we have known His great faithfulness. He has given us hope and reminded us that each day with the ones we love is to be cherished. But how much better it would be to join you in heaven with Jesus! I love you, little man! ~Mama (Amy)
"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." ~Psalm 34:1-4, 8, 18
"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! For you, O God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name." ~Psalm 61:1-5
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." ~Job 1:21
