Beauty from Ashes (Part 2)

I wish I could say that this positive pregnancy test calmed all my fears, but no, they just morphed into a new, hormonally-charged worry. This time I felt much more pregnant than I had with the two we lost but we decided to do some hormone testing to be sure everything was looking okay. When my progesterone levels were headed in the wrong direction, we decided to supplement. I filled my progesterone prescription and began the supplements, preparing myself for about four weeks of this, since I could stop once my placenta had formed around 14 weeks. I was ten weeks along and my crazy hormonal anxiety was a daily struggle so we decided to have an ultrasound for some peace of mind. We celebrated as we heard a good strong heart beat but wondered why baby was much smaller than a normal ten week old baby in utero. Baby was only about eight weeks and four days old, based on measurements, but doing well. Long story short, we moved my due date a couple weeks later and praised the Lord that I had already started supplementing my progesterone when baby needed it most! While these were all good signs, I am ever the skeptic. I wavered back and forth between trusting God with whatever outcome He had planned for our family, and worrying that I couldn’t handle losing another baby. Every morning I would wake praying for the baby and every night I’d fall asleep praying for the baby. I tried to remind myself that the Lord alone sustains life and He wants me to pray for the desires of my heart. It was for this reason that we shared the news with a few people so they too could join us in praying. I prayed more consistently for one thing than I ever have: God, please preserve the life of this little one!

Three weeks passed and I needed to refill my progesterone prescription since the due date adjustment had thrown it off. I had slowly stopped regularly reminding myself about God’s trustworthiness and became increasingly fearful that I didn’t need this prescription refilled because baby was already gone. Sure, I had absolutely NO basis for the fear, but hormones! Not coincidentally, the week before my prescription was going to run out was the week that my husband was sermonizing (preparing to preach) for Sunday. During one particularly difficult day, I texted him asking for prayer and he responded that the passage he was studying said the phrase “fear not” three times. Lots of tears. How could I fear not when I had no guarantee of the outcome?? Oh, right, that’s kind of the whole point… Could I rest in perfect peace because I trust the God who wrote this story long before I was born? Did I believe He would be with me if we lost another baby? Did I believe He is still good if we had to say another premature goodbye? I called to schedule another ultrasound for the following Tuesday. When my husband preached that week, I had to fight hard to keep my shoulders still as I wept… IN CHURCH (gasp!)!! But I couldn’t hold it in. I knew God was telling ME not to fear. I could trust Him and His plans for me and this baby and I could make it to Tuesday before we got to actually see how baby was doing. This time the tears flowed when we heard that swishing, fast heart beat and watched our little peanut wiggle all over. We needed the refill! Baby was still alive and kicking and I was still an emotional mess of a hormonal pregnant mama.

After this ultrasound we decided it was time to tell the girls, which meant I needed to be ready for EVERYONE to know. But it would explain to our very observant Emma why mama’s belly seemed to be getting bigger (because let’s be real, baby #3 at nearly 12 weeks is hard to hide). These pictures are the girls’ reactions to the news (photo cred: Stephanie P).

All along I’d been convincing myself not to get my hopes up that we would have another biological child, but it was becoming harder and harder. I was starting to get excited. I was starting to think this might really happen. Talk about emotional roller coaster. My husband has dealt with so much of my up and down, back and forth, trust and fear, faithfully praying for me and our little one. He’s a keeper. In the weeks following this ultrasound, more people were made aware of our coming addition and were SO very excited. Honestly, I had a hard time dealing with the excitement of other people because all I could think every time someone beamed another “congratulations” at me was that it would be one more person who would have to deal with another loss, if that happened. Obviously this is connected to when we lost Josiah. Our whole church mourned and wept with us and came alongside us so well, but one of the biggest lessons I had to learn through that was to be willing to be the recipient of help and prayer and love. NOT my natural tendency. I’m a strong, smart, capable woman and I’VE GOT THIS. Psh. This time around I’ve been so hesitant to be excited that I think I’ve missed out on so much of the joy. I’m thankful that others have been excited from the day they found out, even if I was still fighting to believe it could really happen.

Once I made it to fourteen weeks and five days (the age Josiah was when he stopped growing), it felt like I was watching every second of the day tick by. My next midwife appointment wasn’t until I was sixteen weeks so I just had to wait and pray and hope and trust (like women have been doing for centuries!) that it would go well. I still had the image in my mind of the midwife searching for Josiah’s heartbeat on the Doppler when I was eighteen weeks along with him. She never found it and that was the start of me realizing that all the weird little things about his pregnancy were indicators that it wasn’t going well. This time the midwife searched briefly, found that heartbeat, and let me listen. To her, it was routine. To me, it was a miracle. This baby made it past Josiah’s age. This baby might actually live. I might start feeling this baby moving soon!

After this appointment, we could set up an ultrasound to find out the gender of our little one. Again, bad memories and difficult images were etched in my mind as we planned and went for this ultrasound. I’d been telling myself for months that I was probably having another girl because I probably can’t have boys. I’d even started telling my husband and others that I thought we were having another girl. I’d begun looking at baby girl names because we’ve had a whole list of boy names forever, but girl names always seemed hard for us to agree on. Imagine my shock when baby happily cooperated with the ultrasound technician and revealed a VERY different ultrasound than we’d previously seen! Before the tech revealed the gender both my husband and I looking at the ultrasound thought to ourselves “Wait a minute….. is that….. a…..?” BOY!!!!! Holy moly. That’s definitely a boy! We’re having another son!

I still can’t describe how I felt in that moment. Shocked? Amazed? Excited? All the emotions all at once? Alice and Emma both said they wanted a baby sister. They’d had Little Dude as their baby brother for 8 months now and were apparently ready for a change. Uh, sorry girls? We decided to buy some boy onesies for our July baby BOY and let the girls unwrap them to reveal his gender. I sort of expected Emma to say “NO!” and start wailing, but they were ridiculously sweet. They are SO excited to have a baby brother and just want him to hurry up and get here.

July is still four months away, so I don’t even know the end of this story yet! I feel like every day the Lord is challenging and convicting me and teaching me to relax and trust Him. The emotional roller coaster seems to be evening out (ish) and I’m feeling our little man wiggling around inside me every day. Sleep is getting harder as my body adjusts to this big belly, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. All these things mean my boy is growing. We will meet him soon and it will be hard, but so so worth it.

One of my fears has been that I would put a son in the place of God. After praying that God would give us a son, being afraid to even want a son and then finding out we were going to have a son, another Isaiah sermon brought Isaiah 43:6 to my attention: “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.” In context, this verse is God speaking to the people of Israel, but the Sunday that we read it in church it hit me: God loves ME. He really, truly loves ME and has gone to great lengths to show me that He loves ME. I’ve been a Christian since I was sixteen and I’ve “known” this a long time, but over the years came to believe more in a God who wanted to judge me for my sins (which are many). As a sinner who deserves nothing, God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and then conquered Satan, sin and death by rising from the grave three days later. I’ve told myself for years that I don’t deserve any good thing in my life, but I think I missed a very essential aspect of God’s character in the meantime. The God I serve loves me enough to bring me through losing two babies, hear my heart’s desire when I was afraid to utter it to Him, and grant me that desire at the moment I least expected it. He spent YEARS patiently orchestrating events to teach me that He loves me and wants to give good gifts to me, as His child. In the weeks following this sermon, the Lord has continued reminding me that He loves me and that He has given me what I need for today to trust Him and love those around me. I still don’t know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future and I know He is faithful and good and trustworthy and He hears and knows and loves me. What more have I to fear? He has been my salvation and I cannot wait for the day when I see Jesus face to face in heaven. Oh what a day that will be!

Beauty from Ashes (Part 1)

It’s hard to know where to begin writing about something that has been in process for years, but since I process better through writing, I finally decided to write this all out. My purpose isn’t to glorify myself or our circumstances, but to point others to the Lord. He has so patiently met me and taught me in my weakest moments and revealed to me more and more of His character in this process. There’s some pretty raw stuff in here as I've sought to be open, but please understand that I am not glorifying my sin, or seeking approval from others. I’ve been talking more and more with other women and new moms lately, sharing parts of this story at times, and have felt convinced that I should share how God has worked in my life and what He has patiently taught me so others can love and serve Him better and know they aren't alone in their struggles. For those who take the time to read this (as it will likely be quite long), I hope it encourages you to seek the Lord and never give up asking Him for the desires of your heart. I hope it challenges you to lean on Him each and every day, knowing He is good and he never leaves or forsakes His children. I hope it reminds you that He is worthy of ALL of your trust and that it is good to fight to believe He is trustworthy. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I hope this gets you thinking and wondering about the God I serve, the God of the Bible, Maker of Heaven and Earth and YOU and ME. He is not far off or distant and wants us to run to Him and know Him through His Word.

The story starts long before this, but I’ll begin with the birth of my first daughter: Alice. I had a very hard time bonding with her. I didn’t feel the immediate adoration that I’d heard of and thought I’d seen again and again in other moms. I felt lost, confused… pressure. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t just “fall in love” with my daughter. I figured something must be wrong with ME for feeling this way and was too scared and prideful to let anyone into my whirlwind of a world. I pushed my church family away because I felt ashamed that I didn’t simply “get” motherhood. I pushed my husband away because he didn’t know how to help. I pushed God away for “making” me go back to work full-time when I clearly needed to figure out what I was doing. It was a rough start to parenting.

By the time Alice’s first birthday rolled around, I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. We were excited. I was scared. It felt like Emma’s first year of life I was constantly asking myself “WHAT DID I DO?!?” While bonding with Emma came a bit easier, largely due to feeling less guilty since I was home with our two girls, it certainly wasn’t easy having her plugged into the wall for the first week of her life as her tiny body fought jaundice. Those lights (baby spatulas, as we came to call them) were incredibly frustrating and disheartening and I wondered if I could really do this whole thing again when I already felt like a failure of a mother. Clearly I lacked something really motherly-important because these two beautiful girls God had entrusted to me felt like more of an inconvenience or disruption than a blessing or gift from Him. I just wanted to sleep! I just wanted my body back! I just wanted some quiet! Once again, I pushed God away and tried to muster up all the motherliness I possibly could.

Not surprisingly, I became the kind of mom I never wanted to be: easily frustrated, unhappy and often losing my temper and yelling at little people who had expectations placed on them that were beyond unrealistic. So when I found out I was pregnant for the third time, just after Emma’s second birthday, I wasn’t excited at all. I dreaded “how I could do this” and prayed that God would somehow work out all the obstacles that I saw in our lives before we could have three children. He answered my prayer, but certainly not the way I’d hoped or expected. Josiah Nathanael, our first son, quietly slipped away and met Jesus face to face long before we said goodbye. I watched my husband process by reading God’s Word so often that I wondered if he was really actually “processing” the grief. But I realized that he didn’t know what else to do, just like me, so he clung to the Lord. Blissfully aware of my bias, I’m sure my husband is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, but he’s not God. It hit me that I’d been putting God-sized expectations on my husband, when that was clearly never his role. So, he led me by quiet example and I quietly followed. Those days and weeks were a blur of tears and guilt and hiding myself under the shadow of the wings of my Great Comforter. I became determined not to push God away after loss when I had pushed Him away after blessings. Since I had no clue what to do with this “determination,” I read and listened to God’s Word a whole stinking lot. I focused on the promises that He hadn’t left me, He comforts and He gives us a future hope. I memorized and frequently recited to myself a handful of bible passages and prayed earnestly for another son. I so badly wanted to see the kind of little boy we would have and watch the man I adore raise a son to be just like him. Yet I saw myself as the “weak link” in our family. My husband loved our girls so well, right from the start, and here I was, ruining them. I also began thinking more and more about foster care, though wasn’t fully convinced I could do it.

As the year drew to a close, we did begin to seriously pray about fostering and started an initial application, only to find out weeks later that I was pregnant again, which brought foster certification to a screeching halt. After losing Josiah and having never “felt” pregnant with him, I was very sensitive to the lack of pregnancy symptoms this time around. I never felt sure this baby would live and was less surprised when my intuition proved correct. Baby #4 never got a name from us and never grew past six weeks. While this loss was less unexpected for me, it was much harder in some ways. Not many knew of this loss, so I felt more compelled to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine. I became convinced that our second loss was also a boy and maybe I couldn’t have boys. Maybe there really was something more “wrong” with me than I thought and I needed to focus on thanking God for the healthy girls He already gave me and pursue becoming a foster mom. As we processed through our grief and attempted to help our girls do the same, we talked and prayed more and more about fostering. It seemed like the question that constantly entered my mind was “why SHOULDN’T we foster?” instead of my previous “why SHOULD we foster?” Up to this point I’d thought we needed to have a special draw towards it, or have always wanted to do it. As we prayed and waited, the Lord was patiently teaching me that I wasn’t the “weak link” because He had already made me new through Jesus. God had provided a three-bedroom condo for us to rent at a price well below market value (with my very own WASHER AND DRYER!) and provided a minivan for us. He had plans and they weren’t finished. He continued growing me in my relationships with my girls and even now keeps reminding me that He gives me what I need each day, each hour, each minute… if I just ASK!

We pursued foster certification even as I wrestled with feeling as though I had somehow failed my husband by not giving him a son. And then I would feel guilty like somehow my girls were a consolation prize. How awful. Meanwhile those two girls were (and still are!) growing into caring, considerate, fun-loving, beautiful young ladies. I can’t imagine our family without my best little “helpers.” Yet, I still wrestled back and forth between feeling a failure and the guilt but was too afraid to continue asking God to give us a son. I thought maybe I could have another daughter, but we just needed to be content and thankful without a son. In hindsight, I think I was too afraid to ask God for a son because I didn’t believe He could be THAT good or THAT loving. After all, I’d known plenty of women who had struggled with infertility and prayed for years (some are still praying) for healing and a child. Here I was with two healthy girls, struggling to love them well, and discontent with the blessings God had given me. I believed God loved me, but didn’t owe me a single answered prayer, least of all for a son I would likely ruin!

After the summer, our foster certification process really began and we accepted our first short-term placement of a sibling set in April. It was NOT pretty. I realized then that we weren’t in a place to foster a sibling set, so we changed our profile to singletons. Our second placement only lasted eight days, but our third placement began just a few hours after #2 was reunified with his parents. Little Dude came to us June 15, 2016, one month before his first birthday and weighing in at 27 pounds. He had the longest eyelashes I’d ever seen and was a pretty easy-going baby from the start. However, his easy-going temperament didn’t change the wrestling in my heart. I found myself resenting him for being born. How ridiculous I feel just writing that! He and I have gone up and down on this roller coaster of grief and foster care unknowns. There were days, sometimes weeks, when getting through a day with him felt only barely possible.

During this time we began studying the book of Isaiah at church. It felt like every week we were talking about trusting God and every week I would cry and beg God to help me truly trust Him: most especially for our family and the number of children we would have, biological or adopted. Little Dude and I would have some good days and some bad days, but we were getting used to each other. Part of God’s working through the Isaiah series was regarding my attempt to control the timing of another possible pregnancy. The Lord kept challenging me that He was the one in control all along, no matter what I did that made me feel like I had set my plans in motion. So we stopped preventing pregnancy. Having gotten pregnant four times before without any issues or delays, I anticipated a positive test the very next month. How little I had learned about Who was really in control! Several months went by and each month, with every new sermon in Isaiah, I cried and prayed that I would trust God in the waiting and remember that He alone is the Author and Sustainer of life. Isaiah 26:3 grabbed my heart during this time: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Oh, how I longed for that perfect peace! Yet here I was, anxious and wishing somehow I could just know what was ahead. Will I ever have another biological child? Will I be a failure of a wife that couldn’t have the four children we hoped and planned for?

Then October came. October has historically been a difficult month since I moved to California as I miss my formerly treasured autumns in New England, but now I mourn the loss of Josiah and his little brother or sister because they weren’t born that month. Coupled with the Isaiah series and a handful of other (perfectly orchestrated) events, I was so glad to finally enter November and put the emotional mess behind me. But that’s when we saw the positive test!

These Days

Today has been a hard day. I woke feeling out of it and needing to get out the door. Struggled to keep my heart in whatever it was I was doing. Felt frustrated, tired, annoyed, overwhelmed, like a failure. Didn't want to read my bible. Didn't want to pray. Didn't want to ask the Lord's help for my stinky attitude.

Now the girls are in bed and I "made it" through the day and am looking forward to going to bed soon.

I just had two weekends in a row of some really wonderful spiritual enrichment: our church's women's retreat and a conference with our high school girls. Both weekends provided me with opportunities to be reminded of God's work in and through me. He reminded me that He's got it under control and He wants me to trust Him.

But today? Uh. Fail.

Thinking of Psalm 51 (I know this is about David's sin with Bathsheeba, but how often do we grieve over "little" sins??)

"Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit" (vs. 9-12).

Today I'm reminded that I'm not home yet. But I so look forward to heaven.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true'" (Revelation 21:3-5).

Until that day, I pray that on these days I'll get my bad attitude out of the way and let God use me for His glory.

T minus 1....... ish

Alice is in bed. Andrew is at a meeting. Amy is home. Emma is too--inside her mommy.

Today at church was a bittersweet day as we sent off to the mission field a young woman who has attended Village since she was born. Obviously I haven't known her that long since I grew up 3,000 miles away, but since moving to Orange County and becoming a part of this church I have been so blessed by her friendship. I can't imagine how hard it must be to leave, yet how exciting to know that the Lord has prepared her for this purpose. Having grown in the Lord alongside her for the past several years has been such an encouragement that it will be hard not seeing her regularly. But I count it a privilege to be able to pray for her as she goes. Part of those prayers I hope will include keeping each other updated on how the Lord is at work in each of our lives, no matter how many thousands of miles apart we are. Ironically, she leaves tomorrow, which is my due date. So we've been "counting down" to the same day for different reasons for quite a while. I'm sad that Emma didn't make it for her departure, but am so thankful for technology that allows us to send pictures & emails and even SEE each other "live" on Skype. Can't wait to hear how the Lord uses her!

Before I lose it completely, a quick update. Tomorrow morning we have another appointment and I'm praying there will be some progress. Friday night I was up from about 2-3AM with regular contractions (about 6-7 minutes apart). Around 3AM I decided to type out instructions for anyone taking over the "Alice Routine." I wasn't keeping track of the contractions at that point, but by Saturday morning they'd basically stopped. Unfortunately I didn't actually fall back asleep until around 5:30 or 6AM. Bummer. Last night I slept better though. Tonight I hope to do the same. Unless Emma has other plans. I wouldn't mind. As if there were any doubts.

Pregnant

Yup. Still. I'm dilated 1 cm, but no signs of labor starting any time soon. Today I finally got to some of our (overdue) laundry and hiked up and down the stairs about a half dozen times carrying stuff. I know I can't make labor start, but I'm certainly not opposed to trying to help it along!

On Sunday Andrew preached on Mark 11:20-25 "As they passed by in the morning, they saw the fig tree withered away to its roots. And Peter remembered and said to him, 'Rabbi, look! The fig tree that you cursed has withered.' And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be taken up and thrown into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.'” It was really challenging. I cried. I was humbled by Andrew's heart as he preached and reminded again how blessed I am to be married to a man who loves the Lord and His Word. If you'd like to hear his message, check it out here.

Alice is waking up from her 2.5 hour nap... "DA DA DA DA DA DA DA.......BUH BYE! BUH BYE!" She's been doing so well lately. It feels a little like the calm before the storm. An Alice Christmas video is in process, though it's long and is taking quite a while to upload.... 29% complete with approximately 184 minutes remaining. Yikes. I'll be sure to post when it's ready. Off to get the girl.

Last Days of Summer

In honor of the last days of summer before school starts (on Wednesday) for my hard-working husband, clouds on the blog seemed appropriate for a few days. After that, you'll have to stop by and see what NEW and EXCITING theme we have for the start of the school year.

Tonight we went to Red Lobster for dinner with a coupon and a gift card (REALLY excellent). I got snow crab legs and a shrimp skewer. Crab is delicious. It reminds me of lobster, although is much harder for me to work with. Maybe I'm just more accustomed with how to get the meat out of a lobster, having watched it my whole childhood. I guess I'll just need more practice. Anyone want to take us to Red Lobster?? We're ALWAYS up for it :-D

Tomorrow Andrew/Happy preaches for the second week in a row at church during the morning service while our senior pastor & family are on vacation. Tomorrow's passage is Mark 8:1-21. Last week was really good, even though he preached for nearly an hour. Didn't feel that long at the time :-) If you think of it, I know he'd appreciate prayers. In fact, he's at church right now preparing notes to be inserted into the bulletin and he's been a little longer than I would have expected... Could mean issues.... Hopefully not!

Monday marks 19 weeks pregnant for me and I'm just (sort of) starting to feel mostly good. My appetite seems to be coming back, which is nice. Up to this point food has mainly been something I have to choke down because I need to. Not that it's been coming back up (no actual "morning sickness" with this little guy), but nothing sounds good. Ever. Or, nothing WAS sounding good. But I'm definitely not at the point where I'm hungry all the time, which is fine by me!

Monday is also our official ultrasound where they do lots of measurements and the gender is revealed or, in our case, confirmed. They'll probably confirm the due date (Jan. 16) as well, though up to this point everything seems to be on target for mid-January.... and another moose baby. Alice was 8 lbs 14 oz. I'm really hoping that by some miracle the next one will be a little less monstrous. Not that I'm expecting it, but I can hope.

Just for good measure, here are some Alice pictures of the spaghetti hat video that's on facebook. If you haven't seen it, you should :-)

The Story of Everything

I appreciated this presentation of the story of the Bible in less than five minutes. Maybe you will too.



HT: Z

Stay-at-Home-Mom Life

Happy Independence Day!!!

Andrew is back and we're in full-blown fireworks stand mode. Actually, that has just meant a few more phone calls than normal and making trips from the stand back to church with money so we don't have too much at the stand at one time. It's wonderful having him back home, though he seems to have some residual effects of Guatemala still bothering him. Fun fun fun.

This morning Alice & I went for a walk around the "lake" at the park down the street. It was HOT, but Alice was smothered with sunscreen and wearing her sunhat (which she is getting better at leaving ON her head) in her nice shaded stroller. If you haven't seen it already, Alice likes to wave at just about everyone who walks by. When we go to the grocery store, the doctor's office, Costco, to get the mail, she waves and smiles at anyone she sees whether they're looking or not. Today in the park there were a number of people running/walking around the lake. Some received a smile and cheerful wave while others elicited the coveted giggle. Only a select few were privileged to witness her overjoyed exclamations combined with all-over-body-wiggles and leg kicks. Those are my personal favorites.

As we made our way back home and I anticipated a dip in the pool I couldn't help but marvel at the blessing it is to be home with my daughter. I feel like I'm finally getting to know her better and seeing her personality blossom. Then again, it could just be the age she's in where things are easier to see now. Either way, I'M LOVING IT!!! Though I will say that the dip in the pool was less than pleasant with a squirmy almost 14 month old wanting to get in and out of the pool and run around and "jump" in and sit in her floating boat thing and get out of the boat thing and... well, you get the idea.

This week we're preparing for the college/F.I.T.(career) camping trip from Friday to Monday and then we'll take the rest of the week as a family vacation at Bass Lake at a friend's cabin. SO wonderful! My goals this week are to make an extensive packing list, have the first meeting of the girls' bible study (SO exciting!), get all the laundry done, and clean everything before we head out at a ridiculous hour on Friday morning. Hoping that Alice will transfer and fall back asleep in her car seat :-)

Almost time for Alice to wake up! The picture is from my sister's visit when we went to Disneyland (THANK YOU JACQUELYN!!!). Alice loved the merry-go-round. Have a lovely 4th of July!

The Next Episode

Today marks the first time I've worked full-time since early June 2008. That's right, my church voted to increase my hours to full-time and my job title is now Associate Pastor. I have increased responsibilities that include preaching a little more often (8 or 9 times a year), developing and administrating our church's new website, starting some new ministries and lots of other possibilities. I'm very excited.

This is Amy's last week of working full-time at Pan-Pacific. Next week she'll be working some kind of part-time schedule.

We had a great time hosting a one year birthday party for Alice and enjoyed time spent with friends and family, some that we had not seen in a long while.

That's the update for today. Hopefully a lot more blogging will take place this summer!

1 & 2 Timothy

I have the privilege of teaching through 1 and 2 Timothy for the next several months on Tuesday nights at our church's youth service called Reality Check. As I continue to learn and develop as a teacher/preacher, I refine my style and habit of study. Of course, my study habits and times are also governed by my school schedule. I still have almost four weeks until school starts, though, so my schedule is much more flexible and open. I am hoping to utilize my knowledge of Greek in a more extensive way than I've been able to previously in teaching. To aid in my teaching, here are the resources I'm using:

Entrusted With the Gospel, edited by Andreas J. Kostenberger and Terry L. Wilder.
The Pastoral Epistles, by Donald Guthrie.
1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, by Gordon D. Fee.
Pastoral Epistles, by William D. Mounce.
1-2 Timothy & Titus, by Philip H. Towner.

I've yet to come up with a title for the series, but I love the intimacy of the letters from Paul to his "true child," Timothy. I also was attracted to the amount of topics that Paul touches on in the 10 chapters of 1 and 2 Timothy: stewardship, the gospel, money, widows in the church, biblical inspiration, church structure, elders, deacons, dealing with false teachers, just to name a few!

I look forward to laboring through these books over the next few months.

Our Church

We're so glad that God has us at Village Bible Church. Check out our website!

Great Ministries

Here are two fantastic ministries that I've learned much more about in recent days:

Gospel For Asia

International Justice Mission

At Village Bible Church, we are in the process of planning for two big events in the coming months. One is the Program Formerly Known As 30 Hour Famine. I would give you our new title, but I haven't announced it to the church yet, so you'll have to wait on that. Traditionally, the college/career group creates, coordinates, communicates and essentially runs this event. We try to raise awareness of world poverty, AIDS, disease, death and other concerns to our junior high, high school and college aged young people. We also endeavor to raise money to help provide for those with little or nothing of their own. Last year, in conjunction with World Vision, we raised more than $6,000! I'm really looking forward to the event this year. Lord willing, it will all go down March 12 & 13.

The other big event is a mission trip to Tijuana, Mexico. We are going with Caravan Ministries, a ministry that mainly builds houses for the poorest of the poor in one of the poorest sections of Mexico's fastest growing city. This trip will be a different trip than our youth have ever done, so I'm praying that God would prosper the work we will do in Tijuana and broaden the scope of our vision for global missions.

1.3 Miles from Church

Right now I'm so thankful that the Lord has allowed us to find and move to a nice (and relatively cheap) apartment that's 1.3 miles from our church. I say that because we've been here most of the day and there's a long night ahead for Happy & Nick as they finish the YUGO video for the Youth/YUGO service tomorrow. The entire service will be run by the youth and Happy will be preaching for the first time in front of our church. It's supposedly a 23 minute sermon, but most who've heard him preach know it will more than likely go a tad over :-) There's just so much to say! What a blessing to have a husband who loves God and His Word! The rest of the service will be filled with the video, music led by the youth and several testimonies from the students who went down to Mexico earlier this month. I'm really looking forward to it. Please pray for Happy and all the students involved tomorrow. Pray that it would go relatively smoothly and that the spark that God has lit in the youth will spread to the rest of our church. Pray that God would receive all the glory.

God Answers Prayer

"You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures." - James 4:3

Yesterday, the members of Village Bible Church voted unanimously to hire me as the part-time Youth Director. Amy and I had been praying for this for several months, and God answered our prayer in a way that was "far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20).

After the worship service, the church reconvened in the sanctuary for a business meeting. The meeting was called to order and details were explained. Then, Pastor Ron gave a short biography of Amy and I and then called me up to the stage for a short testimony time, followed by a Q & A time. The questions were good, God graciously gave me the right words to speak, and then we voted. The votes were counted in about three minutes and the tally was announced.

Now, the deacon board will make me an official offer and Amy and will accept and starting November 1, I will have a new job as Youth Director at Village Bible Church!

Soli deo gloria!
To God alone be glory!

Two Years, Paintball and Work Boots

Yesterday marked the second anniversary of our marriage. Because of the kindness of my Uncle Glenn and Aunt Dorothy, we were able to spend the weekend at their apartment in El Cajon, near San Diego. We got lots of rest, went to Coronado Island and enjoyed the beach. It was a very relaxing and needed time of being together. We are both so grateful to God for his provision for us over the past two years. We know that is only by his abundant grace that we are more in love now than we've ever been.

Several weeks ago, several of the men of Village Bible Church drove down to Camp Pendleton to engage in some very serious work: Paintball. Actually, it was probably one of the most fun days I've ever had. I'd never been paintballing before and I'd heard many horror stories about the pain and the soreness and the welts. Well, those stories were true, but those things were all worth it. The place we played at was pretty incredible. I believe there were at least eight different courses with all kinds of buildings, ramparts, trees, nets, bushes, trucks, tanks and other objects to make for some really fun and tactical matches.

If you want to know more, ask me sometime, but here are a few pictures that show the aftermath.
Monday was my first day of work at Pan-Pacific Plumbing. The morning commute was nice as Amy and I drove to work together. I was put to work outside doing "pre-fab," a term I only heard from Amy a day later. Basically, I helped out with the guys who were cutting, fitting and organizing pipe to go to the various jobs that PPP has going right now. It was somewhat interesting and I got to learn a lot about it pretty quickly. However, my work boots wreaked havoc on my feet. I hadn't really worn them too much since my construction job in Palmdale right after graduation from TMC. They were pretty cheap work boots from K-mart and the soles are just shot. So, my feet are still paying for it, and sometimes it's difficult to watch. That's it for now. I will post some pictures from my friend Travis' wedding sometime soon.

Unemployed

I am no longer an employee of Liberty Christian School.  I do get paid through the rest of the summer, but my contract with LCS has expired.  Friday was my last day and it was a weird feeling.  Teaching at LCS was my first "real" job.  It was the thing that determined where Amy and I would live after we got married.  I said my goodbyes on Friday, gathered my last few belongings from my "cloffice," and drove out of the gates on Friday afternoon.

Now, I'm excited, nervous, and anxious about my first seminary class tomorrow.  I'm also anticipating a great summer of being the youth ministries intern at our church.

Speaking of that, it's time I got back to reading and studying.

School and Travel

Today marked the third day of school at Liberty Christian. But in reality, it was the second "real" day of school. Tuesday was only the first day of school for the secondary (7-12). Wednesday, the elementary (K-6) graced us with their presence (and the presence of proud parents and grandparents, snapping tons of pictures of their less-than-eager students).

Yesterday was also the first day I had to teach my Bible class (second period) and eighth grade homeroom class. I went over the PE syllabus with 38 junior highers this afternoon. That class is really going to test my patience and my classroom management skills. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have at least 43 students signed up for junior high PE! AHHHHH!!! Yesterday I also went over some basic introductory rules and procedures with the high schoolers in PE. To end class, we played Big Booty. If you don't know how to play, then you need to learn. It's so fun!

Today was my first day of lecturing in Bible and I basically filled up the whole period lecturing on Bibliology, the origin of the Bible, the Canon, etc. It was fun. I learned a lot from it and figured out some things I need to do better. I'm really looking forward to the rest of year in that class.

Last, here's a random list of trips - in no particular order - we would like to go on in the coming years. It started as a way to figure out what we want to do next summer for vacation and expanded from there. What do you think? Any comments or questions?

1. Go camping with my parents and brothers.
2. Go camping with Emily and Steven at Buckeye Flats in Sequoia National Park.
3. Hike Half-Dome in Yosemite with Amy.
4. Climb Mt. Whitney with guys from Village!
5. Go to Monterey.
6. Visit New England in the Fall (Octoberish).
7. Visit Aunt Cindy in Colorado.
8. Take a road trip to Idaho.
9. Take a road trip to Seattle and visit Uncle Bob and Aunt Barbara.
10. Visit the UK.

Reflections from Mexico

After the last few posts of our Mexico updates, it feels like I just got back from the trip! I've been re-reading my journal entries too, which brings me right back to when and where I wrote them. Plus, I finally finished writing the update letter which many of the people who read this will be getting soon :-)

Even though it's been more than a month since we returned, the lessons the Lord taught me are still in the forefront of my mind. Rather than make a list of things, I'm going to focus on a few larger points. First, our trip to Mexico confirmed in my own heart that God has given me the gift of encouragement. It feels a little weird to talk about this, but hopefully I can accurately reflect the fact that this is a gift from God. It's my responsibility and privilege to serve as an encouragement to those around me. I learned that when I see a person who needs encouragement (which happens a lot--I'm not sure if it's because I'm more aware of it or if God puts these people specifically in my path... or both?) and I don't do what I can to encourage them, I am telling God I don't want Him to use me. Essentially I am telling God that I don't want to be used the way He intended to use me (see 1 Cor. 12:15-17).

Second, I was encouraged greatly by the people in our team, the church in Bernal and the church/school in Mexico City because of their heart for God. I know that's a phrase that is used often in Christian circles, but let me define what I consider a "heart for God." Someone with a heart for God has God's Word hidden in their heart so they won't sin against Him. They seek to follow Christ's example of humility, serving rather than wanting to be served. They don't complain when they are tired, but persevere, praying to God for strength. Not only that, but they do all of this with joy. Now obviously no one will do this perfectly, and I'm not saying that any of the people I was with did all of this at all times. But it happened so much that I couldn't help but praise God for His work!

Third, it was such a blessing to get to know Richard and Starla Kull a little bit better! Happy had more of an opportunity to do this since he stayed at their home, but I think we both realized (again) that missionaries are regular people serving in another part of the world. They aren't super-Christians, immune to sin. They have a heart to serve where they are and they do it. Unfortunately, it's too easy to get comfortable in the Land of the Free and then we start to think we're entitled to things and then we want more. Richard and Starla were examples to me of contentment. They don't have a lot, but they are thankful for how God has provided for them--and they serve Him. It's pretty humbling to see that kind of example lived out.

I think everyone knows I could write a lot more, but I'll end with these three. Perhaps you've noticed that Happy hasn't posted in... a long time. He's been working at Liberty for the summer (when we're here) doing maintenance so he doesn't exactly have a lot of free time during the day. When he gets home he works on his class and soon will be preparing for the start of the school year. Perhaps with LOTS of comments to encourage him, he may take a short time to update you on his take on the Mexico trip... or Hawaii... or life in general, but he might need a good amount of comments........ hint... hint.... ;-)

Bernal Update (Part III)

First things first: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY/ANDREW!!!!! That's right, today is Happy's 23rd birthday. And I won't see him until tonight at Jake & Amber's rehearsal dinner in Santa Clarita. So, send him an email or give him a call to say happy birthday!

Alright, now I can move on to the Bernal Update. Friday was an early morning breakfast with Raul & Christina and then we went with Raul in a cab to the school. We arrived sooner than everyone else since Raul had to get to work before we were supposed to meet the group that morning. It was a good opportunity for Happy & me to spend quality time with the Lord, which we did before everyone else showed up a bit later. The plan for Friday was about the same as Thursday. The some of our team went to the park to play with the kids while the rest of the team stayed at the school to work. I went to the park to play with the kindergarteners again and we had so much fun! One thing I found a little more challenging with the younger kids was communication. Five year olds are difficult enough to understand when you are speaking the same language! But, it was a good opportunity to practice what little Spanish I knew (and remembered while I was there). I did a LOT of "Como se dice...?" and pointing at objects. That means "How do you say....?" I told Daniel that I have a brother named Daniel who is 11 years old and he seemed to think that was cool. We spent the day walking around nearly the entire park, which was HUGE. We played on a playground for a while, swinging, carrying the kids across the monkeybars and cheering as they went down the slide. Then we walked around a large lake and ended up giving the boys (Friday only Daniel, Elias and Eliseo were there) piggyback rides for a large portion of that time. Joelle, Brian and I had the help of two women from the church. I'm still not completely sure who they were related to, but the boys listened to them well, which made things a LOT easier for us. We stayed at the park until lunch time and escaped into the cars just in time to miss the pouring rain. After lunch at the school, everyone got back to work on painting and cleaning. Our goal was to paint several rooms before the prayer meeting that night and by God's grace and some serious hustling, we were able to do that! The prayer meeting was a rich time of fellowship across a language barrier. The pastor asked people to share prayer requests and offered a few himself, but in between each request he would choose someone to stand up and pray at that moment for the request. He even asked a few from our group to pray out loud. Nathan and Bekah, from our team, shared their testimonies, we sang some songs in Spanish and then the whole team got up front and sang a couple songs in English. Afterwards we had a huge potluck dinner. Raul & Christina took the opportunity to use a translator to tell us how much they loved having us in their home and how we were loved and how much it was a blessing for their children to see a young married couple living for the Lord. I was nearly in tears when they shared all that with us. Christina seemed to have more of an outgoing personality and giggled a lot, but she had such a kind smile and was so sincere in all they shared with us. Raul was more of the quiet type, but he too had a kind smile that you could tell was one of love for his brothers & sisters in Christ. That night at their apartment we again attempted communication with our Spanish-English dictionaries (another late evening) before going to bed.

Saturday morning was like Friday, we got up early and said goodbye to Christina so we could take a cab with Raul to the school. We already felt incredibly blessed by them and so thankful that Andrew & I were able to stay together; but they went even further and gave us a key chain from when Mexico won the World Cup. It was actually a coin that Raul had fashioned into a key chain. We learned that he is a mechanic and does welding for cars (at least that's what we understood). They also gave us a picture frame, which he had made, held up by two figures made of car pistons. After hauling all our stuff down to the cab and shoving it in the trunk and back seat, we squeezed in and headed over to the school. We said goodbye to Raul, had breakfast, loaded up the bus and went to the marketplace for some shopping before our flight back to California. After about an hour of shopping we got back on the bus to brave the Mexico City traffic to the airport. Marcos & Aubrey, the couple who runs the school with the help of several others, gave us money for lunch at the airport and then we said goodbye to them too. They gave Andrew & me a little painting of Mexico as a thank you, which was very kind of them. Every time I see it I think of them now and am reminded to pray for their school. We got on the plane with only minor mishaps (one of the guys left his passport on the bus, but Marcos was able to call the bus driver, who graciously drove back with it). We arrived in LAX around 7 pm and after a debriefing at the church with the team, Andrew & I got home close to 9 pm.

Side note: We each got a salad from Jack-in-the-Box on our way home and both got food poisoning from it. That night Andrew was throwing up and I had a high fever. We stayed home from church on Sunday (we were pretty upset about that!) resting off the food poisoning. I went to work on Monday with a slight fever that went away completely about halfway through the day. Andrew stayed home, but also began feeling better around the same time as me. Tuesday we both went to work and then went back to LAX to fly to the Bay Area (near San Francisco, for those who aren't familiar with the California lingo) for the Gilmore Fourth of July reunion/celebration. It was a lot of fun, but I was starting to get a cold which got worse just as we got on our plane on Thursday from the Bay Area to Hawaii for our first anniversary trip. But that's all I'll say about Hawaii for now.

The final part of the Bernal series will be coming probably next week (since we'll hardly be home for the next four days). It was requested that I share some reflections on the week in Mexico, which I am very excited to do. Thank you for reading all about this and for all your prayers before and during the trip. We saw the Lord work in SO many ways and I'm looking forward to sharing more about that in my next post. Have a wonderful rest of the week and weekend!

Bernal Videos

I just wanted to point out that I've added ALL the Bernal videos to the sidebar below the other videos. Some of them are pretty funny. Others.... not necessarily. Anyway, ENJOY!!